The Fear of the Lord

In my school today, the topic was, ‘The Fear of the Lord’. My speaker was Maria Broersma, and she spoke out of the book of Job. She defined the fear of the Lord as:

Recognizing who he is, and recognizing who I am next to him and then living like I understand that truth.

She explained how one of the main points we can observe in this book is the contrast between God’s philosophy and man’s philosophy. And then we are faced with the question: which philosophy am I going to live by?
Today, I came face-to-face with the GREATNESS of my pride and my self-centeredness. Maria asked the question:

Am I pursuing man’s idea of success, or God’s?

She taught that what pleases God is to love God and love my neighbour.
And how to love my neighbour? She brought us to 1 Corinthians 13:

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.Love never ends.

As I listened to all she was saying, my own impatience came to mind. Lately I have been really restless and I have given myself permission to allow my feelings to affect the way I have related to people. This has manifested in impatience. I am a naturally impatient person, however I have dropped my guard over the past few weeks and allowed myself to act in impatience with people.
As Maria was sharing about the GREATNESS of God, I realised that I have put myself in the judge’s seat. God alone knows the hearts of people and only he can judge what is really going on. I only see the outward actions and based on that, form a judgement of them to which I respond in irritability. God forgive me...

God’s goal in my life is not to make me more comfortable, but for me to have a greater revelation of who he is... 

Maria Broersma

The Real Me

Foolish heart looks like we're here again
Same old game of plastic smile
Don't let anybody in
Hiding my heartache, will this glass house break
How much will they take before I'm empty
Do I let it show, does anybody know?


But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me


Painted on, life is behind a mask
Self-inflicted circus clown
I'm tired of the song and dance
Living a charade, always on parade
What a mess I've made of my existence
But you love me even now
And still I see somehow


But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me


Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me
You're turning the tattered fabric of my life into
A perfect tapestry
I just wanna be me


But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me
And you love me just as I am
Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me


The Real Me
Natalie Grant

Thank God!

I had my first experience yesterday of being the ‘speaker’ at a school. I was teaching on ‘Hearing God’s Voice.’ It was crazy. If you think about anything that could possibly go wrong... it probably did! I was showing a DVD and it took 6 laptops and 2 p.c. towers before it actually got shown. All the messing around wasted 45 mins of time. The technical support that the school usually has happened to have the day off yesterday.

We ran out of coffee... then sugar... then milk...

However, I can 100% testify that God was the one that held the day together. I did not feel even slightly stressed. I was able to laugh in the face of all the difficulties. And the testimonies at the end of the day were amazing.

One student said that they’d always struggled with hearing God’s voice, but that throughout the day they had heard him so clearly and so often.

Another student said that she’s learnt so much from the teaching. She said she didn't even notice the distractions and problems.

Some students shared how they were encouraged through the ‘words’ that they had been given when we practiced hearing God’s voice for each other.

It was quite an experience. Perhaps not one that I would wish to repeat but WOW! I learnt so much.

I had put in a LOT of effort leading up to the day preparing and organizing and getting everything as perfect as I could and I knew that everything else was in God’s hands. I had done all that I could and it was up to him to do the rest. 

No matter how much preparation I do, or how well I teach, it is God who makes a day like that wonderful. Maybe success is measured differently to what we think?

Thank you God, for saving my butt!

Healing in the Sun

I have been sick for the past 3 days. I’ve been on AB and MC. I’m not so good at being cooped up inside. I get bored quite quickly. I slept for most of the first two days but by days three, I could sleep no more. I tried so many things to amuse myself but just needed to GET OUT.

Finally this afternoon, I was walking along our balcony and saw the sun. It was 6:15pm and was preparing to set. I wasn’t really thinking about staying there, but somehow, for some reason, I just stopped. I rested against the railing, closed my eyes and just let the sun soak me. Without realising, tears started to run down my cheeks. 

After just 10 minutes, I felt more alive and healed, more so emotionally than physically, than I had for the whole three days previously.

I opened my eyes and looked at the trees, the grass, the sky, the sun setting behind a cloud and became fully aware of the fact that no iPhone app, no Facebook, or game, no Youtube, no email... nothing could replace or equal even just 10 minutes in God’s creation.

I ended up staying there for half an hour. After a while, my tears turned into tears of overwhelming understanding of how good God is. I could not handle the amount of his love that I felt was washing over me.

I began to think to myself, wouldn’t it be wonderful to have a moment like this every day with God? To be so healed every single day!

But maybe God DOES prepare these incredible moments every single day for each one of us? Maybe every day, he invites us to find peace and joy and rest in the fresh beauty made only for that day? And maybe, most days, we miss it. 

I wonder what God thinks when he watches us rush around from one thing to the next, hurry here and there, often on what we deem to be ‘his business’ (especially for those of us in full time ministry)? And yet he is waiting for us to stop and marvel at his handiwork, or to steal a moment with him where we are completely engulfed in his goodness and mercy and love.

I wonder if we are being lied to? I wonder if we are being sold a picture of what life is supposed to look like that is not God’s truth or God’s best? I wonder if being busy isn’t what God had in mind when he made you and me and dreamed a destiny for us?

Growing Pains

It feels like I have been in a growing stage of my life for the past five years continuously. It seems like God has been holding a magnifying glass to my heart and I am not always so happy with what is revealed.

To be honest, I get tired of it sometimes. I get a petulant desire to have a break and to not be confronted with the matters of my heart that are not so lovely and pleasing to God.

But then I think about the alternative. I imagine what it would be like to stop growing, to become stagnant and stay the same. I think I would get bored within two minutes. 

I vividly remember, when I was growing up, praying to God that one day I would not have a boring life. I seem to have been born with a taste for challenge and adventure. And it seems that God has answered my prayers.

I have three potted plants in my room. I have always loved nature and I love to have some of it inside. One of my plants is particularly fast growing. It has thickened and sprouted so profusely over the past 6 months. I love to look see how luscious it is when I walk into my room. But it wasn’t always like that. 

In order for the plant to grow, I had to prune it a lot. When I first got it, I trimmed it back almost weekly, a little bit here, a little bit there. Sometimes it grew in a direction that I didn’t want it to, so I cut off those leaves and stalks.

One day I was reading from John 15. It talks about God being a gardener and how he cuts off any branches that do not bear fruit. He even prunes the branches that do bear fruit. Either way, the branches get cut. Which would hurt. And would not feel comfortable.

When I look at my own potted plant, I realise that there are two purposes for the pruning. First, I prune the dead sections off my plant to encourage growth. I want my plant to be as full and green as possible. Secondly, I prune my plant, because I want it to look beautiful. 

When I look at John 15 with these things in mind, the idea of being ‘pruned’ is not so terrible. I keep in mind that God wants me to grow, to be vibrant and to be beautiful, inside and out. 

I do not want to be stagnant and ‘fruitless’. I want to have all the nasty ‘dead’ parts of me, my attitudes, actions and thoughts, cut out so that there is room for grace, love and compassion towards the people around me.

I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples. John 15:1 - 8

Greener Grass

The grass is always greener on the other side...

I had to fly home to Australia last week. My Grandfather died and I was going to his funeral.

On the plane there, I was attended to by a rather good looking attendant. He was really sensitive to the passengers in his area. Actually I didn’t really notice him at first but after half a flight he really stood out. 

I had to purchase something from inflight shopping. I handed it to another attendant that was walking by but after some time the guy bought it back. There were some complications with the payment (different currencies) and I had to go to the back of the plane.

(On a side note, it was the A380, my first time flying on it. It is HUGE and I like the details: new colour scheme, more comfortable seats, better inflight entertainment.)

He started chatting with me, asking where I am from, why I am going home, do I like living in Singapore, etc. When he found out I was going home for my Pa’s funeral, he was so sincere and caring.

I went back to my seat and thought about it all. I am very conscious in my relationship about not flirting and about being faithful, even in my mind, to Joel. It’s important to me.

But it felt nice to be cared for. It could have been that I was feeling vulnerable.

Then I stopped myself. What was I looking for? I want to be cared for? Feel loved? I already have this and so much more in the relationship I already have.

I realized that if I want to look for ‘greener grass’ in someone else, I will find it. There are hundreds of men in the world who would have different strengths to Joel. But right now, I AM loved, cared for, protected, valued. Why would I trade what I definitely have for a possibility. 

I like the green grass that I already have. 

I guess it comes down to choice really. And thankfulness for the good things I already have.

The Beginning of Knowledge

‘The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge...’ Proverbs 1:7


I am an avid student... of subjects that I desire to learn. I would be very happy to study part-time for the rest of my life. I am naturally curious and a fast learner. 
I have been through my phases. I have done research and study on some very random topics: Queen Elizabeth the First, Marilyn Monroe, the Titanic, Jack the Ripper, Alexander the Great... As you can see, I love history!
When I studied Dental Nursing... I loved learning about dental anatomy. I soaked up the text books with great enthusiasm. 
When I was in Fashion Design, I spent hours looking into colour psychology, fashion history, fabric composition...
When I was in Bible College, my favourite topic was Doctrine. I had to write a paper on the Trinity and I was fascinated and completely ruined by the beauty of God.
More recently, I have been doing some studies on two different topics: Submission and Authority and Worship.
As I was reading Proverbs 1 today, I was reflecting on the verse above. It made me stop and ask myself this question:


When I become attracted to a topic and begin to study it, even something from the Bible, am I seeking for knowledge first, or am I seeking for God?


I think that where a lot of religions and even Christians go off track, is when they chase after knowledge without first having the fear of God. I can be like that. I tend to look at doctrine as black or white. I believe in what I believe in. If I thought I was wrong, I would change what I believe. This can be dangerous. Not so long ago, God spoke to me about this. I felt him say to me:


Hold onto truth as if your life depended on it, but hold doctrine loosely.


As I grow as a Christian and my faith and understanding gets deeper, naturally my doctrines shift and develop. Truth is always truth and there are some things that are never up for negotiation. But the doctrines that Christians and religions have fought over for generations, well... some battles are not worth the fight. For example, the way different churches understand worship. The methods or ‘formulas’ of worship, I do not believe are worth fighting about. The more important truth is, where is my heart when I worship?
A person can have extensive knowledge of God and completely miss God’s heart. Which brings me back to Proverbs 1:7


‘The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge...’


I never want to become so engrossed in knowledge that I become indifferent towards God. He is the source of truth. He is infinitely intelligent. 
I think there is wisdom in spend time waiting on God, sitting in his presence, adoring him.

Thoughts While Cleaning Rubbish Bins

We have Base work duty here at YWAM SIngapore every Wednesday afternoon. All the staff and students come together and are assigned different cleaning jobs for 1.5 hours around the Base. Yesterday, I was given not-so-lovely task of emptying the five large rubbish bins around the Base, scrubbing them with bleach and detergent inside and outside, rinsing, drying and relining them... Not my idea of a pleasant afternoon.
I had been feeling dizzy in the afternoon and was a little miffed that of all days, I should have to clean bins, this was it. However, I set about the task at hand.
As I was doing so, somehow a verse came to my mind. In DTS (Discipleship Training School) when I was a student, and we were going on outreach, my outreach leader asked all of us to ask God for a verse for ourselves during the outreach. Mine was:

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men. Colossians 3:23

I decided to give it my best. I scrubbed those bins as well as I could and started to sing


I'll stand in awe of You, Jesus
Yes, I'll stand in awe of You
And I'll let my words be few
Jesus, I am so in love with You


Surprisingly, my heart immediately felt lighter and the task not so bad after all.

God is Indeed Faithful

After my last post and the revelations therein, I was blessed within in a 2 day period by three people giving me different amounts of money.

Firstly, it is not really about the money. It is about GOD. I am so grateful to learn:

1. God is still God even if he doesn't provide

2. God still does provide, even if it appears to be late

I want to always remember what I learnt through this past week and to never take for granted the blessings and the goodness of God in my life...

I love him

Sometimes Lack is a Blessing

It is easy to trust God for money when I still have some.
Today, I came to the point where I didn’t even have the money to top up the minimum for my public transport card to go and get Mum and Dave from the airport. I had to ask someone for $10.
It was incredibly humbling. At least for me.
My mind has been running wild, God, why? He has always provided for me. I have had to sacrifice some wants along the way, but since I began this life is completely being dependent on him in 2007, I have always had enough for the basics.
This week has been a struggle even to buy meals.
I was hanging out some washing just now and the ‘why’ questions were running over and over in my head. I began to wonder, am I sinning somewhere in my life that I am not aware of which is causing finances to be blocked? Have I been unfaithful along the way? Have I been a bad steward?
Eventually I ran out of possible reasons.
I felt like I was faced with a choice. Will I still believe God is good even in this?
I said out loud, God, I believe you are a good God. You have always provided for me and I have never starved. However, even if you do not give me any money, I will still choose to believe that you are good and loving.
I just started to cry.
And then I realized the truth. I am SO BLESSED to be brought to this place. If God always gave me everything on time and in abundance, I would never be at this place where I am now; choosing to worship in lack. 
In this place, God is not my God because he gives me things. He is my God because he is worthy, because of who he is.
Sometimes lack is a blessing. It is a tough blessing. But a blessing all the same.

Wisdom of God to do Justice

I heard a story two days ago that has not left me.
A YWAMer just returned from a mission trip. She met a young girl, only 11-years-old. This girl had been raped by her own brother and seven of his friends, one after the other. When they had finished with her, they cut her from her chest down to her stomach, believing that she would die.
But she didn't...
My instant response when I heard this, was to go... but go and do what?
Last night as I was reading my Bible, I came to a few words that 'jumped' out at me.


"And all Israel heard of the judgment that the king (Solomon) had rendered, and they stood in awe of the king, because they perceived that the wisdom of God was in him to do justice."
1 Kings 3:28


... the wisdom of God was in him to do justice...


Justice needs to be executed with God's wisdom. 
My church is about to embark on reading the Proverbs in a month, something very easy to do seeing as there are only 31 chapters. I used to read Proverbs every month and the wisdom inside this book is incredible!
As I think about these issues: wisdom, justice, abuse... I realize that I need to have WHOLENESS in my life. Jesus was the holiness and wholeness of God displayed and modeled. He pulled no punches when it came to injustice and sin and he was always merciful and loving, slow to anger and abounding in love.
I am heading towards a future of fighting injustice. I know it. But as I wait, as I go through my training period in God, I want to grow in his wisdom, his understanding, his mercy and his justice.

Worship by Being Me...

This morning, I sensed that God was reminding me of the verse:

'He (Jesus) answered, "I tell you, if these (his disciples) were silent, the very stones would cry out"' Luke 19:40

I thought about what it would sound like for stones to cry out.

Then I felt God say to me,

When a stone is simply being a stone it is worshipping me.

When a stone is being a stone and not trying to be a tree, it is worshipping me.

The message that I think God was telling me is that, when I am the me that he made me to be, then I am worshipping him. The very act of being who he created me to be is an act of worship to him.

Living in a Christian Missions Community, I constantly see amazing Christians, people who reflect Jesus in a beautiful way.

Even just this weekend. We have a girl staying with us at the moment. She is a missionary in India. She is 20 years old. She told me that ever since she was a little girl, she wanted to be a missionary in India. I find this just so beautiful. She is so young and yet so brave. She had a dream and just... did it! She was in India for the past 6 months. She wore only a sari and ate only Indian food. She just made a commitment to stay there for another 2 years.

The Director of this Base is an amazingly charismatic man. He can be in front of any audience and can hold them spellbound. He is not a large man, but he fills the room with his presence.

The School Leader of the school I staff this year had 3 very successful businesses and was a photographer for National Geographic. Four years ago, he felt that God was asking him to give it all up. So he did. He sold the businesses and now works full time in YWAM. He is married with a 2 year old.

These are just some of the incredible people I get to see every day. 

And yet God did not make me to be ANY of them. God made me to be... me...

One YWAM Speaker is known for his expression, 

'If you copy someone else, the best you will ever be is a copy of the someone else.'

The journey of discovering my identity in God is and then just being me is worship to God because it says that he did a good job, that I am grateful for who he chose me to be and that he is perfect in his decisions and that the 'me' he chose me to be is a wonderful gift.

Imagine if you took the time to create a completely original present for someone and they proceeded to complain about it every day for the rest of their life?

God's Generosity

I just returned this past week from 2 weeks in New Zealand. This is an amazing testimony!
It has been a very long time since I took a personal, relaxing holiday. I do travel quite a bit but it is for work or task and not for rest. I was reaching towards burn out but I did not have the finances to go anywhere.
Through a variety of people, I was so blessed to have my holiday to New Zealand paid for, both the travel expenses and some incredible treats while I was there! I was able to go White Water Rafting (including a 7-metre waterfall!), Aqua Jet Boating (0 - 100km in 4 seconds!), to a Thermal (Volcanic) Park, on a ferry cruise on Auckland Harbour which included climbing a volcano and being completely alone on an island for 2.5 hours, hiking, on an electric bicycle, on a trampoline... and many more things. I was also able to catch up on some overdue sleep. The first week I was there, I had a sleep in the day time every day and by the second week I was able to sleep 10 - 12 hours at night, something that I can never do here in Singapore.
An amazing thing is that, while I was wanting/praying for a holiday, New Zealand was far and above what I was asking or hoping for. 
While I was away, I continued with my usual reading plan and read through half of Numbers, Deuteronomy and Joshua. I was thinking about the journey that the Israel took. One verse stood out to me:


Know, therefore, that the Lord your God is not giving you this good land to possess because of your righteousness, for you are a stubborn people. Deuteronomy 9:6


It reminded me that the goodness and generosity of God in my life is not earned by my own righteousness, for I too am a stubborn person, but rather because of who God is; my Daddy. 
This journey in having faith for finances goes to a whole new level when God provides for things that I didn’t even ask for and are overwhelmingly generous and good. And I didn’t even earn it!

Looking Through New Eyes

After the past rather difficult week, I have spent quite some time today thinking and praying. Three passages of scripture have been coming into my mind all day. 


'Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.'
Philippians 4:8 - 9


'And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.'
Colossians 3:15


'Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quench the Spirit.'
1 Thessalonians 5:16 - 19


While not endorsing the worldly wisdom of the power of positive thinking, I do believe that the attitude I choose to have in my mind towards people, or circumstances, or just 'life' can determine how positive or negative my life is, for myself.
I was talking with my mentor, Roy, this morning and he was reminding me to always come back to truth. What is God's truth in any situation?
I feel that God is encouraging me to look at the world through his eyes and to place my trust in him, knowing that in ANY situation or circumstance, he is more than big enough and good enough to bring me through safely and prosper me.
Over the weekend God brought me back to the verse that has been my promise from him all throughout this past season:


Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her. And there I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth, as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt. And in that day, declares the LORD, you will call me 'My Husband,' and no longer will you call me 'My Baal.'
Hosea 2:14 - 16


I felt that God was asking me if I still trust him to hold my hand through the 'desert' and believe that he can and will bring me fruitfulness even in the barrenness?

Only Hope

There's a song that's inside of my soul. 
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again 
I'm awake in the infinite cold. 
But you sing to me over and over and over again. 


So, I lay my head back down. 
And I lift my hands and pray 
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours 
I know now you're my only hope. 


Sing to me the song of the stars. 
Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again. 
When it feels like my dreams are so far 
Sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again. 


So I lay my head back down. 
And I lift my hands and pray 
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours 
I know now, you're my only hope. 


I give you my destiny. 
I'm giving you all of me. 
I want your symphony, singing in all that I am 
At the top of my lungs, I'm giving it back. 


So I lay my head back down. 
And I lift my hands and pray 
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours 
I pray, to be only yours 
I know now you're my only hope. 


[Only Hope, Mandy Moore]

Hanging On

Someone did something to be this morning that really hurt me. Their actions and attitude are to exclude me and to cause pain. As I sit here at my work desk, with tears running down my cheeks, the only thing that keeps running through my mind is:

‘Today, my grace is sufficient for you.’

2 Corinthians 12:9 - 10

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I feel like I am really taking a beating. I have been under quite intense fire from the same direction for over a year now. The battle is wearing me out. I am losing joy.

God have only given me enough grace for today. I don’t have enough to face tomorrow. but sometimes, I feel like I only have enough grace to walk through this minute... 

It reminds me of the lyrics:

I'm falling even more in love with you 

Letting go of all I've held onto 

I'm standing here until you make me move 

I'm hanging by a moment here with you 

[Hanging By A Moment, Lifehouse]

Another song that is helping me a lot at the moment is ‘I Look To You’ by Whitney Houston:

As I lay me down
Heaven hear me now
I’m lost without a cause
After giving it my all

Winter storms have come
And darkened my sun
After all that I’ve been through
Who on earth can I turn to?

I look to you,
I look to you
After all my strength is gone
In you I can be strong
I look to you,
I look to you
And when melodies are gone In you I hear a song
I look to you

Have to lose my breath
There's no fighting left
Sinking to rise no more
Searching for that open door

And every road that I've taken
Led to my regret
And I don't know if I'm go'n make it
Nothing to do but lift my head

My levees are broken
My walls are coming down on me
My rain is falling
Defeat is calling
I need you to set me free
Take me far away from the battle
I need you
Shine on me!

My greatest concern through all this is that I keep my heart soft. Life is lived from the heart and I will not allow my heart to turn dark, cold and nasty.

Abundance

I am SO blessed!
I have been praying/longing for a holiday for some time now. I have not had very much money to go anywhere grand but I was okay with that.
But God went beyond my expectations! I have been sponsored to go on a holiday in New Zealand next month for 2 weeks! I will be spending time in Rotorua, Taupo and Auckland. I am going with Steve, Priscilla and Faith Loh.
I am amazed at God! He continually goes beyond my expectations. I feel that I am experiencing the goodness of God. His shines his goodness, regardless of ME; my behaviour, attitude, external things... He is good, regardless of me...

"I will extol you, my God and King, and bless your name forever and ever.
Every day I will bless you and praise your name forever and ever.
Great is the LORD, and greatly to be praised, and his greatness is unsearchable.
One generation shall commend your works to another, and shall declare your mighty acts.
On the glorious splendor of your majesty, and on your wondrous works, I will meditate.
They shall speak of the might of your awesome deeds, and I will declare your greatness.
They shall pour forth the fame of your abundant goodness and shall sing aloud of your righteousness. The LORD is gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
The LORD is good to all, and his mercy is over all that he has made."
Psalm 145:1 - 9

Daily

It seems that very often when I ask a question about living out my faith, I am given the answer, 'it's about walking it out daily with God.'

'How do I get victory over this area of sin in my life?'

'Walk it out daily with God.'

'How do I grow into my identity?'

'Walk it out daily with God.'

'How to I keep my head above the surface?'

'Walk it out daily with God.'

'How do I have a godly, fun, right relationship with Joel?'

'Walk it out daily with God.'

My daily relationship with God is predominantly conversational. The bulk of our relationship happens when I am not having a 'Quiet Time. (I don't like the term 'quiet time' because it implies that I must be quiet and some of my 'quiet times' can be quite loud). 

I guess it is like any relationship. Relationships don't become 'real' until they involve real life. I can meet with friends only when I am dressed up, looking my best, in an air conditioned cafe for an hour occasionally, and we may really get on and have good feelings about each other, but if that friend was to come over to my house on a saturday morning when I am doing little chores, wearing old clothes, no make up, my hair just anyhow... well, they'd meet a very different Jasmin. It's still me, just me in a different way.

Maybe it is like that with God? Maybe if we only go for dates with God at church, we only get a one sided view of him, but it is in the daily living, the real life, that we get a fuller picture of the real him?

Lies About Sex

I went for lunch with my Mongolian friend, Chuka, today. I was telling her a story that I had read from a book. The author was illustrating how children can hear the voice of God. 

My son Dominic, who was four years old at the time, crawled onto my lap and leaned in close. We were sitting in the front row of a Bible College chapel. I had been teaching there for orientation week and was about to share my final "two cents worth". As the worship time wound down, I asked Domo, " What is God showing you about the students here?" He briefly scanned the crowd over my shoulder and replied, "God is telling me that some of them have ruined gardens." The imagery stunned me. In Song of Solomon, the garden is a specific symbol for a woman's sexuality (Songs 4:12 - 5:1). In that context, a locked garden represents the bride's virginity. Her invitation to the love to enter her garden and taste its fruit is a picture of consensual intercourse. Of course, Domo knew none of this. Yet to me, the image of the ruined garden (i.e., sexual brokenness) was so striking that I followed it up, "What does Jesus want to do about that?" He replied, " Jesus wants to plant new flowers in their gardens." This spoke to me of restored innocence.

[from ‘Children, Can You Hear Me?’ by Brad Jersak]

After I had shared, she began to tell me a tradition of Mongolia. Mongolians were always hospitable. The would always offer food and a bed to any guest without the guest having to ask. They would welcome them into their gers, the Mongolian round tents. Inside the tent, there were not separate rooms, but one large open space. The guest would sleep in the centre, the parents on one side and the children on the other side. Mongolian parents were always looking for eligible men for their daughters. They would ‘size’ their guest up, to ascertain if he was wealthy. They’d look at his clothes, his pipe, etc. If they had a beautiful, young daughter, they would try to get the man with her.

In the middle of the night, the guest would crawl over to where the daughter was sleeping. The parents would be able to hear. If the parents were against the man, the father would light a candle and the guest would know that he was not welcome to the daughter and would go back to bed. If, however, the father did not light a candle, the guest would have sex with the daughter, then and there!

In the morning, the parents would try to ‘sell’ their daughter to the man, but even after having sex with her, the guest was under no obligation to marry her and could leave if he chose.

This custom is mostly not followed today in Mongolia, as the country is becoming modernized and people are moving out of gers and into cities.

She was also telling me how it was the children’s responsibility to look after the animals. Often the children would need to herd the sheep and other animals a few hours away from the ger in order to find good pasture for them to graze on. This often meant that young girls would be out alone in the countryside. If men were riding by and saw a young girl who they were attracted to, they would stop and rape them. These young girls were completely defenseless. 

It was a rare thing for any girl to still be a virgin on her wedding day.

I’ve been thinking about this tradition. I am amazed at how Satan has taken an entire culture and changed the value of sex. This tradition did not protect and value women but left them open to be used and abused. Sex was reduced to a ‘try before you buy’ mentality (which is very common today also). How can an entire people group think so little of their young girls and women? Oh, the lies we have bought into!

Something Must Be Done

This morning I was heart broken as I read the news on my laptop screen. Three men in Somalia raped a young girl, only 13 years old. If that was not enough, after she reported the rape, accusations of adultery were laid against her. This girl was taken to a stadium where 1000 spectators watched as dozens of men stoned her to death.

I sat in my comfortable room, having just eaten breakfast after waking up in a warm bed, and thought of this girl. I imagined what it must be like to have three grown men force themselves on her small body. I thought about how much courage it would have taken for her to report these men. She must have trusted the authorities to protect her and to bring justice to those who had so dishonoured her. I thought about how shocked she must have felt when, instead of protecting her, the authorities accused her of adultery. I imagined her terror as they dragged her into a stadium packed with 1000 people watching as dozens of men picked up stones and began to throw them at her. In my mind, I saw the stones breaking into her skin and body; her physical boundaries once again violated. I wondered at how she bore the physical and emotional pain. What was the last thing her eyes saw, her ears heard, her skin felt, before her short life ended so cruelly?

I cried for this girl. My heart ached at the thought of all that she had to endure. What did she learn about herself through her short life, her identity as a young woman warped out of shape by the lies screamed at her through the actions of those around her? ‘You are only worth what we say you are! You are not worth fighting for, protecting, nurturing, loving! You are a liar...’ the list goes on.

Then I began to think of the thousands of others who stories run along the same lines. Child prostitution and slavery are epidemic. So many women are not valued as daughters of God, as He created them to be.

God wept over this girl. God weeps over all the horrendous things we humans do to each other. And the injustices continue to be done…

I sat and felt overwhelming hopelessness. With so much evil in the world, what could I do to change it? I am one person, with my own struggles and identity issues, trying to find my own way. What is the solution to these crimes?

I do not know the answer to my questions. I feel so small and insignificant.

I am filled with a deep knowing that something must be done…

We can no longer shut our eyes to the injustice that happens in our world. The globe is getting smaller and smaller as transport becomes faster and more readily available. It is possible to get to any part of the earth in a relatively short amount of time. We live in an age of ‘fighting for our rights’ and materialism. We seek comfort for ourselves and remain blind to the needs of those around us.

I do not have answers, but I pray to God that I do not lose the fire that sparks up at stories like this.

In the meantime, I can pray. I can pray that God will convict the perpetrators of these crimes. I can pray that light will continue to shine on this evil until eventually enough people rise up and put a stop to it. How many more victims must there be before we stand up to this enemy? 

[From my diary, 2008]

Faith

Oh Lord You lead me
By the still waters
Quietly restoring my soul
You speak words of wisdom
The promise of the glory
The power of the presence of God

Have faith in God
Let your hope rest on the faith
He has placed in your heart
Never give up, never let go of the faith
He has placed in your heart

Oh Lord You guide me
Through all the darkness
Turning my nights into day
And You'll never leave me
Never forsake me
The power of the presence of God


'Have Faith in God'
Word Music, 1993

Pride is Ugly. God is Faithful

As a YWAMer, we all ‘live by faith’ in the traditional understanding of those words. None of us receive pay or are on a salary and we have to learn to raise support for ourselves, and that failing, trust God to provide for the finances and needs that we have. I do believe that we are all meant to ‘live by faith’ regardless of your job or financial status. I believe that finances are meant to be held with an open hand, allowing God to give and take as he sees fit and trust him both in lack or want, that HE is the one who provides and that he has greater financial wisdom than we could ever have. Therefore he can be trusted with our money, if it is a great or small amount.

I have lived without a salary or pay for 3 years now. It has been a challenge, to say the least. Just as soon as I reach a ‘new level’ in faith for finances, I am tested again and forced to come back to God as my sole provider.

After all these lessons and all this time, I still had a humbling lesson over the weekend.

I had some very large bills recently. Things that are not in ‘normal life’ and are unforeseen costs. I had the money for the bills as I’ve been saving what I can, but once everything was paid I was left with $20 to my name. 

On Sunday I went to church and I was chatting with God as the congregation was preparing for the offering time. I felt God ask, how much of your $20 do you have faith to give me. I told him a figure of a few dollars. Then I felt him challenge me to go beyond that figure and to trust him. So I did. Even though we are talking about small amounts, when it is the last of the money anywhere in sight, it is really hard to give it up! 

On Sunday night, a close friend of mine found out about my situation and wanted to give me some money. I replied that I was ‘too proud’ to accept it. My friend asked me if I loved my pride more than them? I didn’t have an answer so I went and spent some time praying. I felt that God told me to not be proud, so I apologized to my friend and sent them the account details.

On Monday (yesterday), I received another text message from a friend saying that they’d like to sponsor me a certain amount for a specified period of time. I was overjoyed! Although the amount promised is not even close to my monthly costs, I felt that God was showing me his faithfulness and encouraging me to keep trusting in him.