Halfway

Today marks the halfway point through this pregnancy. What a ride! I think I've been unwell more than I have been well. And I joke that this kid had better be so incredible and go on to change the world, to make up for all the trouble...

I'm not being serious.

I love my kid and he/she can be a bum if they want to.

But coming to halfway has increased the freak out factor. That is, freaking out about the fact that I have to get a whole human being out of me. Not a pleasant thought to be sure.

So far, I have been on a fairly predictable cycle of freak out, talk to God about it, calm down again, walk in trust... and then freak out again...

It doesn't help that for some reason people feel the need to tell me their horror stories now especially. Always in a kind, I-am-trying-to-help-you tone of voice.

I have been hearing stories and doing research on the whole spectrum of child birthing. There is the one extreme of supernatural/natural child birth with no intervention, through to the other end with every kind of pain relief available. And also hearing the arguments for and against each side.

And the thing is, I have no idea how my body is going to respond to giving birth. My friend has an incredibly high pain threshold and she needed intervention quite early on.

Everything is quite unpredictable and yet I need to make decisions beforehand... based on things that I don't yet know the answers to.

This has led me to think through, what is my ideal child birth.

And put simply, I want a birthing experience where the Holy Spirit is present.

I don't know practical what that looks like.

But I do know that God hasn't given me a spirit of fear, but He gave me a spirit of power, love and a sound mind (2 Tim 1:7).

And that's all I know for sure right now...

Christmas and The Year in Review

The First Christmas at The Justins, 2012

Eight days until Christmas! 

I'm finding it hard to work out where this year went to. So much has happened and time has flown by!

This Christmas feels more significant to me someone. It's the first one married and the last one without kids. Also, because most years one of us is away at this time of year on a mission trip, we have not actually properly celebrated it... ever.

Christmas is not a big deal for Joel's family. They don't really do presents or put up decorations.

For my family growing up, my parents made a choice to not celebrate it because of its ties to pagan culture. Fair enough.

But for me, Christmas has always been a special time of year. It means family, coming together and celebrating the year, taking time to rest, being thankful, and preparing for the coming year spiritually.

This has been an odd year, where most of my plans were thrown out the window through unforeseen circumstances. It was an incredibly good year, and a very tough one.

In February, I made a trip to Shanghai to visit Roy and have my wedding dress made. It was so fun to see him in his natural environment, to visit a new city in the country that I love and to get my wedding dress made! Triple points!

In March, I went to Aus and Mum and I went to Hillsong Women's Colour Conference. Wow! There is such a holy atmosphere there. Although I didn't get major direction or a specific word (I wasn't actually looking for that), I think I needed that time of connection with God to get through the coming months.

The day after I got home from Sydney, I was moving a dining table by myself (Miss. Independent. I learnt from that experience!) and managed to drop the whole thing on my poor toe, which resulted in multiple fractures and months of pain.

In April, I freaked out. One month before the wedding, all the 'what ifs' were filling my head with junk. What if marriage is terrible? What if this is a bad idea? What if his family and I don't get on? What if..? What if..? Joel should thank God for Roy, who loving calmed me down and reminded me of God's words to us.

In May... we got married! All the fears and doubts immediately vanished and it was the start of the best season of my life! We honeymooned in Sydney and Lombok, which was so restful.

In August, we made a baby! 

August until now has been filled with good days and bad days as my morning sickness dictates how I am and what I can do. It has been a struggle to keep up with the work I need to get done before I leave cease staffing at YWAM Singapore next year. It has been a challenge, but not necessarily a bad one. I am learning to balance self-care with productivity. And learning to stand firm on the decision my husband and I make. Also learning to follow through on the things I believe God has said to me.

And 2013 looks to be another interesting year. 

We've been blessed with a trip home in January. I am so looking forward to seeing my Nanna and family and also to spending time with Joel before the new and busy year kicks into gear.

Joel and I will be full time students in the School of Biblical Studies (SBS) from February - November. I will continue to work part time February until April but from May, I am no longer staff! How weird that will feel!

Our baby is due May 8 and my Mum will be coming over for 3 weeks to help out and see the little one.

I foresee a lot of lessons...

Value

Last week, we had the truly unique experience of being offered a baby for adoption.

The baby’s mother is unmarried and the father has already abandoned them. She is too poor to even afford some of the scans required. And the baby is due in March 2013.

I was contacted because a friend of mine, who heard about this baby, knows my passion for adoption.

In spite of the fact that we are ourselves having a baby in May 2013, my heart broke for this wee one. We sincerely did pray about if we should take on this baby. And in the end, decided that this was not for us in this season of time.

This whole incident put me on a line of thinking.

My own sweet baby is still five months from being born, and yet already is so loved and wanted and valued. And not just by Joel and I. Our parents and siblings, friends and community all love and long for this baby. We are being showered with gifts and practical help for once our baby comes along.

And then there is this other baby; rejected before he or she is even born. Not wanted. In a sense, a child of pain. 

My heart breaks for such children. And I burn with hatred towards the lies being practiced in the world and the sin that creates situations where children are not celebrated, loved, cherished and protected.

We were talking with one of our leaders about our baby and he said to us, a child needs four things: belonging, identity, destiny and security. 

This poor unknown baby is being robbed of those right now. 

Please, take a moment to pray for this little one.

Entertain Me!

I was watching an interview with Judy Cornwell (of ‘Keeping Up Appearances’ fame) and she was discussing today’s humour, contrasted against humour 20-30 years ago. She mentioned that these days, humour tends to be crude, aggressive and full of expletives, which she says equals to bad script writing.

I was reminded of one time I was running a Sunday School. The kids were all very cute and lovable, however I noticed that their attention spans were a lot shorter than kids were even only when I was young. Activities had to be planned to be short and full of bright colours and lots of movement. 

I remember as a kid, I could spend hours hand stitching clothing for my dolls, or painting pictures, or reading.

And then I thought about this year. I have spent a LOT of time this year in bed. In March I broke my toe which put me in bed for over a month with an elevated foot. And now being pregnant, and my first trimester being quite difficult, I spent a lot of the past 3 months either in bed or at the least, in my home.Thank goodness my leaders are so gracious towards me. I cannot imagine how I would have survived in a workplace where I could not take leave.

During those periods, I observed in myself a constant need for entertainment. I used to be able to just sit and think or pray for lengths of time without needing to move on to something else. But now, I get bored too easily. 

I think that this is sad. And I think it reflects society. In our ‘instant’ demanding world, we seldom take time out of it all to be still. 

Perhaps that is why God says, ‘Be still and know that I am God...’ Psalm 46:10

Maybe He knows that in a world full of noise and distraction, it’s easy to forget about Him. Or at least to mostly forget about Him. 

I don’t want to be like that. Now, how to get over my Facebook addiction?

Real Life

My Grandfather's Funeral, 2010

Yesterday I attended the wake, and today the final service, of a woman from our church who passed away. As I was listening to our Pastor speak, I started to think about death. 

As Halloween has just passed, I have been thinking about how our culture has such a morbid fascination with death. We love to watch movies about paranormal activity and be entertained by witches and vampires. 

I was listening to a sermon online from the Book of Romans the other day, and in a side note, the Pastor mentioned that we should be ‘wise to truth, and naive to evil.’ That’s a bit challenging these days.

So this morning, I was thinking about how this woman has died. And about death in general. And then suddenly my thoughts began to shift focus.

I felt like maybe death wasn’t even the point.

I remembered a verse:

“A thief is only there to steal and kill and destroy. I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of.” John 10:10 (MSG)

When we who have a relationship with Jesus die, we don’t actually die. Not in a truer sense. No, we begin to really live. In a realer-than-real-life-way. We begin to experience the fullest meaning of abundant life that our Father promised us. It sounds backwards, but it still true.

I think that understanding this truth would remove all fear of death. Or even the focus on death. 

And that is a beautiful thing. To not fear death but to long for something more wonderful and glorious than we’ve ever seen or dreamt of.

1 Corinthians 15:50 - 58

I tell you this, brothers: flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. Behold! I tell you a mystery. We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed. For this perishable body must put on the imperishable, and this mortal body must put on immortality. When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written:

“Death is swallowed up in victory.”

“O death, where is your victory?
    O death, where is your sting?”

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.

Godly Men

I was talking to a friend a couple of days ago. She is in a difficult marriage. Both her and her husband have been to couple and individual counselling, all to not much avail.

As she was talking, I realised that I have nothing much to say. I have experienced bad marriages ‘second hand’. Both of my parents have had multiple marriages, none of which were wonderful. But for myself, my husband has put me in a place where I literally cannot complain about marriage, or say to someone in a bad marriage, ‘Oh, I know what you mean.’

Very honestly, I believe that my marriage is wonderful to a greater degree because of my husband, and not because of my own doing.

I am the quick to speak, short of temper one. He is quick to apologise and slow to anger.

The reason why I am posting this, is to say that bad marriage is not inevitable. That good men and good marriages do exist. That women can take heart and find hope.

I believe that marriage is designed to be a blessing and gift from God. It’s a place of security and love, peace and comfort.

I do not want to add to the worldly clamour that beats men over the head and yells how terrible the whole gender is. 

Thank you God, for godly men!

Marriage

"At one time we expected marriage and family to provide love, support and security. But for meaning in life, hope for the future, moral compass and self-identity we looked to God and the afterlife. Today, however, our culture has taught us to believe that no one can be sure of those things, not even whether they exist. Therefore, Becker argued, something has to fill the gap, and often that something is romantic love. We look to sex and romance to give us what we used to get from faith in God."

The Meaning of Marriage
By Tim Keller
Quoting Ernest Becker

Baby Mine

Yes! The word is out! I am 11 weeks pregnant and due 8 May 2013. 

It’s wonderful, thrilling, scary, beautiful and profoundly life changing.

That little squishy bean above is a whole person growing, who will have a character and identity separate to me or Joel. It really is astounding.

The response we have had is incredible. People have whole heartedly joined in celebrating with us, have given so freely and generously to us and we are so blessed to have such a community who support us so well.

One of the bigger adjustments I have had to face is the fact that people always want to touch my belly now. It almost feels like my belly is not my own. From my husband, to my immediate family, to friends and even to acquaintances, I spend a lot of time with peoples’ hands on my tummy. Takes a bit of getting used to, but I cannot complain because I am guilty of doing that too! And it definitely is great to see people’s excitement and support for us as a family.

Do pray for us as we walk out this journey of ‘expanding our tribe’ as my husband likes to say.

Opinionated Me

I am discovering that at every stage in life, other people will have an opinion.

Whether it is being single, dating, getting married, changing jobs, moving house, having a baby, not having a baby... without fail people will step forward ever so quickly to put in their two cents worth.

This is not to say that they have evil intent, because 99.9% of the time, their intentions are totally out of concern and with a desire to be good friends.

But that still doesn’t mean it’s helpful.

A week ago I was texting back and forth with my Mum about a certain issue she’s currently dealing with. Without even thinking about it, I automatically went into problem solving mode and started suggesting this option or that solution.

And then I stopped... 

How full of pride am I, to think that I am in a position to tell her what to do in her life? She has 20 years on me, an awful lot more life experience, and is quite capable of coming up with solutions herself.

The arrogance!

Now, age and life experience does not always equal to maturity and wisdom. This is true. But how did I jump on the band wagon of thinking I am the advisor to the world at large?

I think that we have created a whole system in society where we feel we have the ‘right’ to tell people exactly what we think. Freedom of speech has created a whole generation of opinionated experts.

Having said that, I know some incredibly godly men and women who speak truth and love into my life with such grace and humility that it doesn’t even feel like an opinion, but more like a conversation.

I think that most of the time, people don’t need solutions and are quite capable of fixing their own problems. What they really need is someone to listen and to really hear. Someone to care about what they are saying and how they are feeling.

Oh God! Help me to be so quick to listen and slow to advise. 




"Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact."
- George Eliot (1819-1880)

Crossing Cultures

Our Wedding Day, 12 May 2012

I don’t think that anyone can quite comprehend the complexities and intricacies of cross-cultural relationships until they actually experience it.

It gets to the core of each ones’ thought processes. It is incredible how much personal culture influences daily life. It plays out even in the smallest things.

My husband and I dated for three and a half years before we were married and during that time we were challenged in our own thinking about what relationship should look like, especially in light of our desire to please God and understand what He says about relationship.

As Charles Dickens said, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us...”

These were among the most difficult years of my life and yet we couldn't ultimately give up. I remember Joel made a statement in our second year that became my mantra in some ways, “everything good takes effort”. He was right.

There were many times that one or the other of us almost gave up and opted out. It was just too difficult and, especially at the start, we had little encouragement from those closest to us and much resistance. I thank God now for the faithful few who were always ‘on our side’ cheering and praying for us. You were lights of grace and love in our darkness.

The lessons learnt during that period were incredible and deep. I am still walking them out: forgiveness, loving difficult and different people, seeing them through God’s eyes and seeking to have His heart towards them. These lessons are priceless and could not be learnt without the struggle.

And now we are married! The contrast between the darkness and the light is so stark that it’s almost blinding. My marriage is bliss. Not that we don’t argue and always get along, but there is peace now, and love. We can take off the armour that was integral to everyday life before and find safety and security.

Cross cultural relationships are complicated. There is no easy way around it. It’s hard work. And yet my life has been made so much richer for this experience and I have been blessed with a husband who exceeds all my expectations. 

It makes me think about Jesus and His Bride. They are preparing for their wedding, but right now, they are still in the hell of the battle where everything is ugly and hard. How Jesus’ heart must ring with excitement over His coming wedding day, knowing that peace and love, safety and security are coming!

We are blessed in life to be given glimpses of His greater reality; His cosmic story. 

Take heart and hold fast through the battle of life! Anticipate the sweetness of being joined with our Groom. Because everything good takes effort.

A First-World Problem

Lahu Tribe, Northern Thailand, December 2009

Last night my husband and I had just finished dinner and were sitting on the sofa and decided that we felt like something for dessert. We went through our fridge and came up with 3 or 4 options for dessert, none of which tickled our fancies.

Afterwards I was thinking about how this is such a first-world problem.

We are the rich few who have so much choice when it comes to food that we are able to follow our taste buds and eat what we feel like.

How often to we stop to think about how incredible that is?

According to recent statistics, 50% of the world live on less than $2.50 a day*. For them, food is a necessity to life, not an opportunity for self comfort.

Now don’t get me wrong, I do not believe that eating good food is of the devil and we should all eat plain rice twice a day and be happy with it.

No, what I am saying is, let’s first recognise how wealthy we are indeed. The fact that we even have choice, proves the fact the we are blessed beyond belief.

And secondly, let’s take a minute to think about our buying choices. I am a firm believer in small sacrifices making huge differences in the world. I do believe that if every one of us gave up one cup of coffee a week, we could use that money to make a profound difference in one person’s life living in poverty.

And thirdly, let’s be grateful. Let us celebrate life. Let us choose to see the abundant life that God has given to us. Let us not think of it as a right that we deserve, but correctly think of it as the overwhelming love and provision of God poured out in our lives.

A friend of mine from Australia just went on a trip to Nepal and her Facebook status this morning expressed deep sadness that in Australia, people spend money on clothes, bags and accessories that cost more than the price of a young girl being sold into prostitution.

It is heart breaking and eye opening.

Doesn't that put things into perspective?

* www.statisticbrain.com/world-poverty-statistics/

Thankfulness

I remember in 2009, I had such a deep desire in my heart to do something special for God. I wanted to give him a gift that was unexpected, even to dare to try to surprise him... like that would even be possible! I was so filled (still am!) with a deep realisation of the greatness of his redemption in my life. I know that I would not be who I am now without the overwhelming and saving grace of God. Who knows what hole I’d be living in?
And my response was to want to bless God back. 
But how does one surprise God? 


As a newly married woman, something that is foremost in my mind is, how can we keep the love that my husband and I feel for each other now alive for the coming months and years? I have been asking God for his secrets to marital success. 


This past week, something that I feel God has been saying more than once, has to do with thankfulness. I feel that there is a secret power in being thankful that I do not quite comprehend. But I do feel it’s effects. 
When I am cranky or down, just stopping and remembering some of the amazing blessings in my life has instantly changed my outlook and lifted my heart mood immediately.
I think that my honeymoon would have been far less appreciated and made less memorable if I had not taken the time to thank God throughout it for the little blessings each day.
And for further proof of the secret power of thankfulness, I notice that the most joy-filled people I know are those brimming with gratefulness for the little beauties in life.
This morning in my reading, I came to Psalm 50


Psalm 50
14 
Offer to God a sacrifice of thanksgiving,[b]
    and perform your vows to the Most High,


23 
The one who offers thanksgiving as his sacrifice glorifies me;
    to one who orders his way rightly
    I will show the salvation of God!”


[b] Or Make thanksgiving your sacrifice to God


Perhaps this is the gift that God would like to receive from me? An unshakable thankfulness for every little blessing, every single day? And then maybe I will become like one of those joy-filled friends I admire so much?

Tasty Scraps

I am going away early next week and therefore haven't stocked up on groceries. AND I am home this morning with no desire to go out to buy anything. AND I wanted to eat something healthier than street food around here. So! I had a scavenger hunt to see what I could find and whipped up something surprisingly good. 


The Ingredients

Six simple ingredients were the fruits of my hunt!


- natural diced tomatoes
- carrots
- tuna in sunflower oil
- garlic cloves
- sea salt
- rosemary














The Start

I started by slicing up the carrot, and lightly frying in some of the tomato juice and sunflower oil taken from the two tins.
I added in the garlic, some salt and rosemary.
































Looking Good!

Tomatoes and tuna added! Mmm... smells so good!




































Mission Accomplished!

Better than I expected! Delicious!

In The Kitchen

Last night, Joel and I spent some time in kitchen testing cake recipes for our wedding cake. This is the first time we BAKED together, although we have shared a kitchen cooking meals many times before. I was amused by a few observations I made of us.


Joel is a very methodical baker. He follows the recipe EXACTLY and religiously. Down to the last little drop. And this tends to reflect how he is in his faith. Whilst not being religious, he is quite traditional, which comes, I think, from his upbringing and the fact that he has been in 2 churches his entire life.


I am incredibly experimental and liberal in the kitchen. I seem to live by the philosophy of 'that's close enough'. I definitely go by 'feel'. I judge if a cake batter is going to work based on taste and texture. And this, generally speaking, reflects my faith too. I am very liberal about God and church. I do love him deeply and have a very genuine relationship with God, but I am allergic to religion in a traditional sense. Having said that, somehow I love Christmas Mass. So there are times where tradition is appropriate and beautiful and reflects part of who God is.


Now here comes the funny thing... Joel and my personalities are OPPOSITE to the above! He is very easy-going, spontaneous and carefree. He rarely plans, leaves everything to the last minute and lets things go easily. For me, I am the consumate planner. I have a 10 year plan. With details. I tend to get stressed more easily too. Having said that, I do have a spontaneous side, probably inherited from the 'she'll be right, mate' Australian culture.


Somehow I found this amusing to see...

Mercy Found

Recently I found myself face-to-face with an area of sin in my life. It’s the same one that I always come back to, over and over again. The story of my life, in some ways.

How sick of it I am! I can shout out in unison with Paul in Romans 7:19, ‘For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.’ Of course, I have been set free to some degree through the years of dialogue with God and prayer and simply my own will. But there is always this propensity to return to the same area of weakness. It sickens me.

I spent a week in utter condemnation after once again succumbing to the same old, same old. I spent hours in prayer, begging God for forgiveness, figuratively beating myself over the head, and trying to make deals with God to withhold the judgement on me for my sins. I had no joy and no peace, whatsoever. 

And my desire to spend time with God completely disappeared. I didn’t want to talk to him. I didn’t want to be near him. But at the same time I was desperate for his presence. My spirit was starving.

And finally, I came to the bottom of myself. And in that place, I was at last able to stop talking and start listening to God.

During worship one morning in staff retreat last week, I had a vision.

In my vision, I met with God (the Father). I walked up to him. I was feeling desperate and struggled to maintain eye contact. I put my nails into my chest and ripped it open, exposing my heart. I screamed at God, ‘take it out! Take this out of me! I cannot stand it inside me any longer!’ But there was silence. And he didn’t move. So I said, ‘If you won’t take it out, then I must. I cannot leave this inside me any longer.’ I started to pull as hard as I could on the ‘sin’ inside me, which looked like a root entangled around and into my heart. I struggled until I gave up, exhausted. And the Father God stepped forward and said to me, ‘you cannot (you will never be able to) save yourself.’ And that was the end.

I realized in that tiny moment, how much I am still trying to earn my way into God’s heart. My value to him, in my own eyes, is so caught up in what I do. 

And God simply wants me to know his love and acceptance, regardless of my actions. 

Not that he condones bad behaviour. His desire is that I am shaped to be more and more like Jesus. But in the meantime, I am desperately loved, right now, as I am.

I still cannot grasp it...

But I have a new understanding of God’s mercy. And of the effect of sin, which is not something to flirt with or to take lightly. 

I thank God for his mercy on me, that while I am yet a sinner, he loves me and gave his Son for me and brought me into a place of relationship that I can never earn or deserve.

Romans 5:6 - 11

6 For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. 7 For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— 8 but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. 9 Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. 10 For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. 11 More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

Honey Thyme Chicken

I am a highly experimental chef. The only times I usually use a recipe is when baking cakes etc, and even then I often deviate from the instructions.
Generally speaking, I love that I am creative in the kitchen, but it does have its downside. It's really hard for me to recreate something once I have made it. Two occasions come to mind as I type this. 
The first, I was in my late teens and made an Italian inspired soup that was a bit of heaven in a bowl. Ah... *drools* Okay, back to the story. For the life of me, I could NOT remember everything that I put in it and I tried many times to concoct the same magic and it just wasn't to be.
The second instance, I'd already moved out of home and was living in Sydney. I held a dinner party for my family who were visiting and I made about 8 different dishes. One in particular was a pumpkin mash which again, was divine and which again, I could NOT remember exactly what was inside or recreate again. Terribly sad.
So tonight, as soon as I started this dish, I knew it was going to be worth remembering. It looks pretty basic in the above photo, but my word, it is DELICIOUS. In advance, sorry, I don't use measuring spoons or cups. Also, I made this for three meals so that I don't have to cook tomorrow :)


Ingredients:
- honey
- chicken
- course black pepper
- garlic
- dried thyme
- broad beans
- broccoli
- yellow capsicum
- olive oil


I served this on a bed of rice. If you want to do the same, start cooking the rice before you cook the dish.


Method:
1. In a fry pan, pour a dash of olive oil and slightly heat the pan. Add diced raw chicken, thyme, pepper (salt would be nice to add here but I didn't have any with me) and about 2 generous tablespoons of honey. Stir fry these until the chicken is lovely and brown
2. Add in the broccoli which is cut fairly small. I used almost a whole head. Stir fry until broccoli begins to soften. I added an extra little dash of olive oil too.
3. Add broad beans, capsicum and minced garlic. I used a whole capsicum, 3 large-ish cloves of garlic and maybe 20 broad beans cut in half. Stir fry all together. I added another spoon of honey here.
4. When all is cooked well, serve on rice! Delicious!