Enjoying Me

I was looking through all the ‘photos of me’ on Facebook this morning. After a while, I became aware of the inner dialogue inside of me. My eyes so quickly went to the areas of perceived ‘fault’. And oh how harsh with myself I was!

I came to the realisation that at some point in my life, I need to make peace with myself. I am faced with a choice. I can accept myself the way I am made, and even come to a place of gratitude to God for his wisdom in my design. Or I can keep up this constant dissatisfaction, fault picking and judging.

There is a fine line between endeavoring to be the best ‘me’ that I can be, and in never being satisfied with who I am now.

And the funny thing is, that happiness is found in both. 

It seems that the balance is found somewhere between complacency and dissatisfaction.

So, I need to learn to love the me I am today, and to continue building a healthy and satisfying life. And somehow enjoy the journey along the way.

Detox - Day 3

Well! I finished three days of detox and rewarded myself with a few boiled vegetables, which was DELIGHTFUL. I wasn't going to eat anything for 5 days, but I decided to stay on 'detox' mode, but add some food. I found that I was too tired to do anything, which isn't really practical.

Emotionally, I have been a bit low today also, I think because my fiance is away and we are just approaching the one week mark... of SEVEN WEEKS! 

And wedding planning is no fun alone...

Anyway, the show must go on and so must my health regime...

More tomorrow!

Detox - Day 2

Woohoo! I got to eat watermelon today! Made quite a change after 36 hours of only water, honey and lemon juice. 
But actually, I feel a bit less hungry now, than I did last night, which is nice. It is usually that way. Whenever I do extended fasting, by day 3 I am usually not hungry at all. But detoxing and fasting are two completely different things and the feel is not the same at all.
Anyway, tomorrow I'll be adding non-caffeine herbal teas like peppermint and chamomile to my diet.
I was doing some research today about healthy eating places here in Singapore. The thing is, I've decided to go on a 40 day intentional diet directly after this detox. But I still have friends to meet. So I am looking for healthy, affordable eating places. 
So far, I am pretty impressed with a place called 'Salad Stop'. I'll be checking them out on Tuesday night.
Another day down and I am quite pleased with myself.
Here's to a healthier me :)

Detox - Day 1

Well, I started a detox diet today. For today I am allowed to have:


water
lemon juice
honey


That's all!
I've come up with a bunch of reasons why I should just stop this and have something to eat, but I have been wanting to detox for some time now, so I keep reminding myself that it is for my own health... and it won't kill me!
I'm looking forward to seeing how this works out. It's been years since I did a detox diet, but I used to always feel so much healthier when I did one in the past.
My purpose is NOT, as has been suggested by some people, to lose weight. While I do usually lose weight, it is quickly gained again and so therefore isn't an effective weight loss program. Rather, my purpose is health.
Tomorrow I get to eat watermelon, so looking forward to that!

Grace

Blah. That was yesterday in a nutshell. A horrible day.


I think it was a build up of different things that came to a head. 


And, as always, God was so present in my terrible day. 


I did an interview for the coming YWAM Magazine. My interviewee is an amazingly humble woman; simple and deep. I like that sort of person. God was all over her side comments. It was when she went off topic that I learnt so much. At the end, she apologised for rambling and I told her that the rambles were for my benefit. I needed the reminders.


I was wondering why my desire to dress up and get pretty has diminished and I realised that it is directly linked to where I am with finances. I haven't received personal support for a few months and I've been surviving by the skin of my teeth. It's quite a ride. 


Last night I was supremely blessed by an amazing friend. I had to pop by her house after a wedding practice for my friend's wedding this coming weekend and she ended up LOADING me with beauty products and samples. And snacks. All topped off with a glass of wine.


I think it was just what the doctor ordered.


Yesterday, Joel was telling me something. He'd made an error at work, and measures needed to be taken to right the situation. Another guy stepped in to 'pay the price' for Joel. And immediately, I thought about grace. Isn't that what grace is? Someone else paying for me?


Back to the interviewee, she also spoke about grace. She defines grace as: God's Riches At Christ's Expense...


And THEN I was reminded of my own Facebook Status a couple of weeks ago:


God is not obligated to bless me. I am obligated to bless God...


So I thank God that he is God, big enough and good enough, even on my awful days...

Where is the Fairytale?

As life goes on, I am discovering that it really isn't at all like I imagined it would be.

I'm now preparing for my wedding, and it is starting to make me reflect back on my life and my childhood dreams. 

I am very forward thinking. I have a five year plan... well, actually longer really. I have goals and I will achieve them. But one thing I need to be careful of, is dissatisfaction with the now.

For the longest time, we have been under so much pressure to get engaged. And now, we are barely engaged and already we are being asked when we plan to start having children... wait a moment, aren't we supposed to be married first?!

Being engaged also doesn't fix my current situation. I still have the same pressures at work. I still struggle to balance my different social circles. There is definitely a greater level of security in terms of our relationship... but I didn't suddenly inherit a better standard of life. And I have a sneaking suspicion that although marriage will surely bring a lot of changes to my life, it isn't going to make anything better. In fact, given the pressures of adjusting to each other, it may make it feel slightly worse.

I think that fulfillment in life can never actually be found in life... The things that make up day-to-day life are so transient. The stages of life are also not satisfying because they are one off. I only intend to be married once. So once I have 'achieved' the goal of marriage... then what?

I think that really life is found outside of life as we know it. And the search of that life is where fulfillment and truth is found. 

Fairytales are meant to be just that... tales...

What Am I Feeding?

I have been thinking a lot over the past few days about the power of words. Words can create. Words can break apart. They can heal and they can hurt. There are so many things that words can do, and yet I think so little about the things that I say. 


I am guilty of incredibly flippancy with my words. I am quick to use my mouth to judge people or situations. Sometimes it seems so clever and witty, but what is the real outcome of my words?


Even in my relationship with Joel, I am seeing the importance of the words that I choose to speak over us and over him. Do I choose to speak well of him? Do I build our relationship up by the words I say about us? Honestly, I do speak well of him and us most of the time. But there is still some room for improvement. 


I notice in myself that when I speak positively about a situation, my emotions follow. Conversely, when I speak negatively, I very soon start feeling down, sad, lethargic. 


I have started to ask myself, 'what are my words feeding? Which emotion are they encouraging?'


I want to enjoy my life. And it seems to me that my words play a huge role in shaping the way my life is...

Warmth

I've had one of 'those' days and I was seriously ready to pack it in and ask God for another one. I had more than enough of the 'bad' and far too little 'good'.


But I decided to go out to stand on our balcony and watch the sun set. It's one of my favourite things to do when I can.


The warmth washed over my face. It is truly incredible. This fiery and terrifying mass became a soft and lovable friend, healing and refreshing my heart.


The colours were spectacular. So rich and vibrant.


I was reflecting on how God makes these amazing artworks every day, regardless of the kind of day it was. The sun sees so much evil in the world below. So much injustice, pain, horror. And yet faithfully, every day, it shines and brings warmth and healing.


It's so like God to create a world that continues to shine his goodness in spite of the damage we do to it and each other. He is faithful, when we are not.

Walking In Love

At the start of this year, I felt God gave me a verse that was to be my focus for the whole year:

Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. Ephesians 5:1 - 2

Over the year, God has given me opportunities to practice what it means to walk in love, towards many different people. During DTS, I was challenged to walk in love towards my fellow staff, my students, and later, towards my outreach team mates. On outreach, I practiced walking in love towards slum dwellers, the underprivileged, foreigners, people of other belief systems and mindsets. 

Now I am learning a new type of love: to love privileged, spoilt ‘westerners’

And my own heart is being revealed.

It’s a reverse kind of pride to find it easy to love the poor, and harder to love the ‘rich’ of society. 

But God is teaching me that walking in love includes ALL people, regardless of their background or social status. 

It’s making me question who are the ‘unlovable’ to me? And what makes them so ‘unlovable’? What is in my own heart? 

Rest

I just spent the past two and a half days in bed, sick with a ‘flu or something like it.

That is quite enough time to think about my disobedience to God. 

On Monday, we had a DTS Staff Meeting at the subject of ‘tiredness’ came up. One of our foreign staff asked us ‘Singaporeans’ why it is, that every time he asks any of us how we are, we always reply, ‘busy’ or ‘tired’. 

It was a good questions.

I commented that I have noticed that when I am away from Singapore, my head and heart pace is slower somehow. But I don’t know what to do about it, how to fix it...

That’s a little bit of a lie...

During my DTS, I used to have a coffee date with God. I made a weekly habit of it. I would get dressed up for God, take my journal, a good book and head out somewhere, intentionally just to be with God.

For quite some time now, maybe even six months, God has been reminding me of those times and asking for me to start coffee dating him again. But I’ve been too ‘busy’...

How sad.

I was talking to my Mum about the importance of doing things that nurture us. Every week. At least. 

Which brings me back to the DTS Staff Meeting. One of the ‘elders’ amongst us said, ‘it’s a sin to not rest when we need to.’

It’s also a sin for me to not obey what God asked of me.

And the consequences of my not resting was for the past two-and-a-half days...

I love that God commands us to rest. To be still and know that he is God. 

India

I've spent the past 3 weeks in Madurai, Southern India. It's been an amazing experience, especially as we have been able to have many different opportunities for ministry here.
We did a lot of home visitations in slums, sharing with the residents and praying for them.
I remember one house we visited in particular. The lady's name was Maria. She's a mother of two, a son around 4-years-old and a daughter around 2-years-old. She Maria was 1-year-old, she got Polio, which caused her to be partially handicapped. She cannot walk properly on her left foot. Because of that, she rarely leaves her house, which is approximately 3 x 3 metres square. Her elderly mother does her shopping and fetches the water daily. Her husband works, but he is an alcoholic and is addicted to a strong local drug. Every day Maria begs him to stop drinking, and he always says that he will. But every night he goes out drinking again, and has even recently started to bring home alcohol and drugs into the house. Maria is worried about her children. What is their future?
As we visited her, I started to wonder how Jesus 'applies' here? I realised that it is not enough to just say, 'Jesus loves you'. What she needs is for the Kingdom of God to come near her and her family. She needs a miracle.
India is a heart changing place. It's difficult to come here and not be effected.
As much as we try to bring about change here, we ourselves are changed through interacting with the locals. My religion comes really close. Tough questions must be answered. Shallow faith will not survive.

Sweet Surrender

Sweet Surrender

Luke Parker

In my weakness you are strong

You hold me hand and hold my heart

I give it away now, I am on my knees

Offering all I am for you to see

I am thirsty for your presence, Lord

Sweet surrender is all I can give

Sweet surrender to you my offering

Jesus, you’re all I’m living for

I’m holding on to you, my friend, my all

In your fullness I am free

Help me Jesus to receive

In the secret place I’m on my knees

Reaching the deepest parts for you to see

There is nothing more

There is nothing more I have

There is nothing more

There is nothing more I can give

There is nothing more

There is nothing more I have

There is nothing more I have to give

An Afternoon with the Elderly

On Friday after, my DTS had a local outreach to a home for the elderly that is within the block where we stay. We went and cleaned for the home first, scrubbing down their tables, chairs, windows and doors and mopping. It was hard work and we did that for 1.5 hours before we were finished and were able to interact with the residents. 
I ended up sitting with a woman who was 80+ if she was a day old. She was so small and crinkled and she had the most beautiful pale blue eyes. The interesting thing was that she only spoke Hokkien and I only speak English. I just sat with her and tried to sign some things, which she obviously didn’t understand and I eventually fell silent again.
After a while with her, for some reason the story of Jonah came to my mind. I said to her out loud, I know you don’t under stand a word that I am saying, so I will speak to your spirit instead and believe that there, you will understand me.
So I told her the story of Jonah. And then I prayed for her that her heart who not be like Jonah, and that she would not run away from God and his purposes for her. I prayed that her spiritual life would be rich, even though your physical life could no longer be. Then I sang a few songs to her. She watched me, but didn’t really respond.
After that, it was dinner time and we were invited to stay longer and to help feed the residents. I was paired with an old lady. She suffered from dementia and was tied into her wheel chair because she was prone to wandering. Again, she didn’t speak a word of English. 
I had to spoon feed her, which went well at first, until she got really restless. She kept grabbing my arms and pulling on me while saying something. I asked a friend to come over and translate what she was trying to say. My friend told me that she was saying, ‘I don’t understand what you are saying when you speak English, but I don’t mind - please just take me away from here’. It was heartbreaking to hear.
After she had eaten as much as she would, I asked if I could wheel her around the garden and the nurses told me that I could.
It was during this time that I realised how much God must have been working in my heart!
I used to be a dental nurse. I was one of those hyper clean types. I was the most sterile in my working manner. The dentists used to joke with me that my future kids would get sick all the time because I wouldn’t allow them to be exposed to any germs.
Back to this elderly lady, she kept spitting, but the saliva wouldn’t drop off, so she would grab the saliva with her fingers and throw it onto the ground. And then she kept grabbing at my arms telling me where to take her in the garden. It took me a few moments to adjust to the idea that she was spreading her saliva all over my arms. And then I realised that for this lady, she didn’t get this opportunity very often as the nurses are far too busy to spend half an hour wheeling her around the garden. 
I have a very soft spot for the elderly and I usually come away from spending time in homes for the elderly feeling sober and every teary. This time was not different.
I came away feel how blessed I am to be able to honour the people who shaped this nation that has ‘adopted’ me. I am only sad that the language barriers stopped me from being able to communicate with them.

My Mouth

Today I was so upset to hear from a friend of mine who had had some nasty words said to her. I was enraged by the downright lies spoke to her through a ‘friend’. What this ‘friend’ doesn’t realise, is that the words spoken went right to her heart and lied about her identity. Worse still, that was the second time this week!
In the middle of her pain, I was sharply reminded of the importance of watching what I say. 
As the altered expression goes:


Sticks and stones may break bones, but words can break a heart...


Man! The words we flippantly throw around without thought! The damage done, perhaps unintentionally, but still through thoughtlessness and carelessness!
Oh God, teach me to watch my mouth! May my words bring life and encouragement, freedom and hope! 

Love Without Fear

I was having a discussion not long ago with a friend. She was telling me that we shouldn’t love guys more than they love us. She said that the key is to be the one loved more than the one loving. She said that it isn’t safe to love more than the other person. She said that if you love someone else completely, with all your heart, you’ll get hurt.
I completely disagree with my friend.
Love cannot be based on fear, or else it is not really love. Perhaps it is survival instead.
I believe that true love is about loving with all, without being conditionally dependent on the other persons love for you.
I see that in Jesus. He loved, even though it cost him every and wasn’t appreciated.
But I struggle with then. Because my own love is conditional.
Lately, my love has been put to the test. In a few of my relationships, I have had to come to a place of love-by-choice, not love-by-feeling. In the past two especially, I have been put in situations where love would be close to my last natural response.
And yet, as I am facing these people and circumstances, the Spirit within me gently says, ‘love’.
As I approach the coming Discipleship Training School that I am staffing, when I spend time praying, the word that keeps coming to me is:


Will I allow myself to go into someone else’s pain? Will I respond with love towards unlovable people? Will I look through God’s eyes, or through my own?


I believe that true love costs everything. If love is cheap, then maybe it is not love at all?
But should I fear love? If it will cost me everything I have, is it something to be feared?
In the book of first John, Paul says that ‘God IS love’. God is to be honoured and revered, yes. But he is not to be afraid of. He is terrifying. And abounding in steadfast love.
I do not want to live my life being afraid of loving too much. I don’t want to pour out my love in measurements; exactingly.
I want to live my life throwing love from me out of the abundance of love that God continually showers on me


1 John 4:18 - 19
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us.

That’s What Christians Are Supposed To Do

I was at my boyfriend’s house today. His parents were hosting an open house day and I was there helping out. During one of the lulls between visitors, I had a chat with his Aunt. 

This is one amazing woman! She is a women’s rights activist. She has had some crazy adventures, been to prison, tortured... the works! As I listened to her telling story after story, I was completely in awe.

I then asked her a question. ‘What made you decide to get into this line of work?’

Her answer has left me pondering ever since.

‘I did this work because I thought that is what Christians are supposed to do.’

How profound.

I am Australian. I come from the ninth richest country in the world. I live in Singapore, the fourth richest nation. I understand affluence. Even though my family were never wealthy, we definitely had it good in world standards.

I used to work for Sportscraft, which is a fashion label in Australia. I managed one of their stores. It was actually during my time there that I decided to be a Christian again. Even in the short time between my recommitment and my resignation from the job, I already was struggling with the commercialism that I was endorsing. I found it difficult to spend my days convincing relatively wealthy people that they need to buy my products to further their comfort and style. 

So I got out. And went to Bible College.

Which brings me back to Joel’s Aunt’s answer.

I live in a world of the pursuit of comfort, pleasure and convenience. There is very little difference between the Christians and non-Christians in this area. 

I feel sad that sometimes, as Christians, we are more interested in looking after our own comfort, than in being a voice for the voiceless. We value our own safety higher than we value being justice fighters. We will give a little of our time, a little of our resources, but will not give our lives for something greater than ourselves. We may see a documentary, or a news paper article, or hear an appeal at church. And we may cry our tears, give some money and soon forget.

I don’t want to be like that anymore. I don’t want to float through my life pursuing my own comforts and never get to Jesus’ heart that bleeds for the hurting and the broken.

Now that I have seen, I am responsible

Faith without deeds is dead

- ‘Albertine’ by Brooke Fraser

Sometimes The Only Way to Win the Race is to Get Out

I have been thinking a lot lately about the pressure that women live with daily in a society that decides what ‘beautiful’ is. 

I don’t read women’s magazines. I don’t watch television. I don’t listen to radio. Even so, I still find myself bombarded with unrealistic images and ideas about who I am supposed to be.

A couple of months ago, I was speaking with another woman. Granted, English is her second language, however she made a comment about me which began with, ‘people who are a little bit fat, like you...’ It’s funny now, but at the time, even though I understood her language difficulties, it stung.

I was talking to one of my students at the end of last year about body size. She is struggling because she is larger than all her friends. I could feel her pain.

When she had finished her sharing, I realised something important.

We as women, are never going to be ‘enough’. We will never reach perfection. Because just as soon as we can get one thing in line, then there will be something else to ‘work on’.

The only way to ‘win’ in this race, is to get out all together. We must stop trying to meet other people’s, or even our own, unrealistic expectations.

I believe that it is only when we, when I, go back to God and get his perspective on who I am supposed to be, that I will ever come to a place of loving who I am and being completely content with the body and image that I have.

I’m not saying to not take care of our bodies, to dress like a slob, to never have a facial. 

I am not talking about actions, so much as attitude. When I can look at myself in the mirror and say, like David:

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. Psalm 139:14

God doesn’t make mistakes. And he made you. 

Imagine if all women jumped out of the ‘more beautiful than...’ race and truly celebrated and loved being themselves, regardless of colour, size and shape. I dream of women building each other up and being able to fully compliment and encourage one another, with no jealousy, because comparison is so last year. 

Then I think we’d start to have a glimpse of what true beauty really is...

Oh, That I Would Keep Silent!

I am reading Job at the moment. Interesting book. The expression, ‘with friends like these, who needs enemies’ comes to mind. Poor Job! I cannot even begin to imagine how the poor fellow would have been feeling, and then his 3 ‘friends’ came along and heaped misery on top of misery.
I found a verse that stood out to me. Job is speaking after the third friend’s speech.

“Oh that you would keep silent, and it would be your wisdom!” Job 13:5

As I read this, I stopped short.
How many times have I been quick to put in my ‘two cents’; to give my opinion or advice? So often, when a friend comes to me, wanting to just talk, I barely let them finish before I am formulating some piece of advice that I feel is imperative for them to hear. I listen, only so I know when I can finally speak. I don’t listen because I want to hear.
And yet, I myself so often feel like I am drowning in others’ advice and good intention. I end up not talking to people, because I just can’t handle having more advice... for the seventh time, let alone the seventeenth...
I should know better than to turn around and do the same to others.
Roy, a man I deeply respect, often says about listening to other people, ‘hear their pain’. He tries to instill in me the skill of listening and going behind the words or actions of others, and to hear the pain that is found there. Wise advice.
And to hammer home the point to myself, a verse that often comes to correct me:

“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” James 1:19

Oh, that I would be silent! May I be found to be a place of refuge amongst the floods of opinions. May I be the one person my friends can come to for a non-judgmental listening ear. May I be quick to listen and slow to speak.