Where is the Fairytale?

As life goes on, I am discovering that it really isn't at all like I imagined it would be.

I'm now preparing for my wedding, and it is starting to make me reflect back on my life and my childhood dreams. 

I am very forward thinking. I have a five year plan... well, actually longer really. I have goals and I will achieve them. But one thing I need to be careful of, is dissatisfaction with the now.

For the longest time, we have been under so much pressure to get engaged. And now, we are barely engaged and already we are being asked when we plan to start having children... wait a moment, aren't we supposed to be married first?!

Being engaged also doesn't fix my current situation. I still have the same pressures at work. I still struggle to balance my different social circles. There is definitely a greater level of security in terms of our relationship... but I didn't suddenly inherit a better standard of life. And I have a sneaking suspicion that although marriage will surely bring a lot of changes to my life, it isn't going to make anything better. In fact, given the pressures of adjusting to each other, it may make it feel slightly worse.

I think that fulfillment in life can never actually be found in life... The things that make up day-to-day life are so transient. The stages of life are also not satisfying because they are one off. I only intend to be married once. So once I have 'achieved' the goal of marriage... then what?

I think that really life is found outside of life as we know it. And the search of that life is where fulfillment and truth is found. 

Fairytales are meant to be just that... tales...

What Am I Feeding?

I have been thinking a lot over the past few days about the power of words. Words can create. Words can break apart. They can heal and they can hurt. There are so many things that words can do, and yet I think so little about the things that I say. 


I am guilty of incredibly flippancy with my words. I am quick to use my mouth to judge people or situations. Sometimes it seems so clever and witty, but what is the real outcome of my words?


Even in my relationship with Joel, I am seeing the importance of the words that I choose to speak over us and over him. Do I choose to speak well of him? Do I build our relationship up by the words I say about us? Honestly, I do speak well of him and us most of the time. But there is still some room for improvement. 


I notice in myself that when I speak positively about a situation, my emotions follow. Conversely, when I speak negatively, I very soon start feeling down, sad, lethargic. 


I have started to ask myself, 'what are my words feeding? Which emotion are they encouraging?'


I want to enjoy my life. And it seems to me that my words play a huge role in shaping the way my life is...

Warmth

I've had one of 'those' days and I was seriously ready to pack it in and ask God for another one. I had more than enough of the 'bad' and far too little 'good'.


But I decided to go out to stand on our balcony and watch the sun set. It's one of my favourite things to do when I can.


The warmth washed over my face. It is truly incredible. This fiery and terrifying mass became a soft and lovable friend, healing and refreshing my heart.


The colours were spectacular. So rich and vibrant.


I was reflecting on how God makes these amazing artworks every day, regardless of the kind of day it was. The sun sees so much evil in the world below. So much injustice, pain, horror. And yet faithfully, every day, it shines and brings warmth and healing.


It's so like God to create a world that continues to shine his goodness in spite of the damage we do to it and each other. He is faithful, when we are not.