I never expected to feel lonely as an adult. I never really thought about it, but if I did, I think I would have categorised it as a childhood school yard kind of problem.
I was an only child. I have a lot of cousins, but at the end of the day, or the holiday, I went home and was the only child again. I learnt to self entertain. When I was 8-years-old, my Mum and stepfather also took the television from our home, something that I applaud them for now. And then, when I was turning 10-years-old, we moved interstate and it was decided to homeschool me.
The homeschool community is large and they have many meet ups. But at the end of the day, I went home and I was alone again.
I do remember feeling lonely as a child, but that isn't the main emotion I recall.
My days were spent reading, crafting and being outdoors. I was 'unschooled' before it was cool. I have a fairly good grip on the pros and cons of it.
When I was 24-years-old, I moved to Singapore. I never thought to stay for long. But I chose love here, and the life that came with it.
My husband has travelled. But he has never immigrated. It is a very different feeling, to stay in a place, even for a longish period of time, than it is to permanently (is anything every really permanent though?) relocate.
He has a long standing support system here. Childhood friends, teenage friends, family, extended family, cousins, memories, the school he went to, the track he did athletics in... he has roots. Even though some aren't strong, or even particularly wanted, they are there.
My community here was missional. The very nature of our organisation meant moving on and often. Most of my close friends here have over time moved away, to various locations and for different reasons. And I celebrate with them. I love to see them living and loving God and people wherever they feel called to.
And then, quite suddenly, my community here was gone.
I don't feel sorry for myself. At least not most of the time. But I do think that this adult loneliness - being alone even though I am in Asia and I'm constantly surrounded by people: looking, listening, getting involved - it isn't talked about much.
As a foreigner here, I can still speak the local lingo in the right intonation to be properly understood most of the time. I know enough random words in enough dialects to get the gist of most conversations. I can be here. But is my being really me? With all the self-modification, how much of the Aussie girl is left? Now even Australians ask me where I am from. Usually people guess somewhere in Europe.
As a friend of mine called it, there's a kind of "culture fatigue" after a while.
It gets tiring.
But God. I have been meditating on the reality that He is my provider. In Him, there is no lack. When He says He will provide all my needs (Phil 4:19), He means all. I have been thinking about what "all" is:
- health
- physical needs like food, shelter
- rest and sleep
- relationships
This is not a comprehensive list, but His provision is.
So now, as I find myself alone and sometimes lonely, I take a moment to face Him.
"God, You are good. I trust in You for all my needs. I know that You will provide for me, but even if You don't, You Yourself are enough for me."
