Freedom of the Heart

I have within me, a deep desire for freedom, which, I believe, was put there by design. This freedom can, however, lead to independence, which I am increasingly coming to believe is not the best expression of freedom.

When Mum was here in February, we had a conversation at one point where we were discussing the need for freedom. She said something that has stayed with me. She was saying that she understands the inner drive to be free, to be a wanderer, to not be bound by obligation or expectation. And, with 20 years of experience on me, she says that she is finally understanding that true freedom is a freedom of the heart. 

Physical freedom can be taken away by force. This is something that I fear for myself. I don’t like to be walked all over or have choices made for me, or rights taken away without my consent. And all these things can, and do, happen.

But a freedom of the heart can never be taken away by anyone. It can only be given up by myself, if I ‘sell my soul’ for a lie, for example. 

In my head, I understand that true freedom cannot be found anywhere but in Jesus. However, I do not have a heart understanding of what heart freedom really is. I do not yet know how to completely release the things in my heart which still hold me, even though it has been many years of walking in forgiveness and of allowing the Holy Spirit to work in me.

So, God, I want to know, in a practical way, how can I walk in heart freedom? 

A Willing Heart

I realized something beautiful just now while I was talking with my mentor, Roy Christian.

God only changes the heart of the willing...

Freewill is such a beautiful thing. Freewill has caused so much pain on earth, but it is beautiful none-the-less...

Unless a heart is willing to be changed, God WILL NOT change it. 

I pray that I always have a heart that is willing to change...

How long has it been since someone hugged you?

I  sat, with two friends, in the picture window of a quaint restaurant just  off the corner of the town-square. The food and the company were both  especially good that day.

As  we talked, my attention was drawn outside, across the street. There,  walking into town, was a man who appeared to be carrying all his worldly  goods on his back. He was carrying, a well-worn sign that read, 'I will  work for food.' My heart sank...

I brought him to the attention of my friends and noticed that others  around us had stopped eating to focus on him. Heads moved in a mixture  of sadness and disbelief.

We continued with our meal, but his image lingered in my mind. We  finished our meal and went our separate ways. I had errands to do and  quickly set out to accomplish them. I glanced toward the town square,  looking somewhat halfheartedly for the strange visitor. I was fearful,  knowing that seeing him again would call some response. I drove through  town and saw nothing of him. I made some purchases at a store and got  back in my car.

Deep within me, the Spirit of God kept speaking to me: 'Don't go back to  the office until you've at least driven once more around the  square.'

Then with some hesitancy, I headed back into town. As I turned the  square's third corner, I saw him. He was standing on the steps of the  store front church, going through his sack.

I  stopped and looked; feeling both compelled to speak to him, yet wanting  to drive on. The empty parking space on the corner seemed to be a sign  from God: an invitation to park. I pulled in, got out and approached the  town's newest visitor.

'Looking  for the pastor?' I  asked.

'Not really,' he  replied, 'just  resting.'

'Have you  eaten today?'

'Oh,  I ate something early this morning.'

'Would  you like to have lunch with  me?'

'Do you have some  work I could do for you?'

'No work,' I replied 'I commute here to work from the city, but I would  like to take you to lunch.'

'Sure,' he replied with a smile.

As he began to gather his things, I asked some surface questions. Where  you headed?'

'St. Louis '

'Where you from?'

'Oh, all over; mostly Florida ..'

'How long you been walking?'

'Fourteen years,' came the reply.

I  knew I had met someone unusual. We sat across from each other in the  same restaurant I had left earlier. His face was weathered slightly  beyond his 38 years. His eyes were dark yet clear, and he spoke with an  eloquence and articulation that was startling He removed his jacket to  reveal a bright red T-shirt that said, 'Jesus is The Never Ending  Story.

Then Daniel's story began to unfold. He had seen rough times early in  life. He'd made some wrong choices and reaped the consequences..  Fourteen years earlier, while backpacking across the country, he had  stopped on the beach in Daytona... He tried to hire on with some men who  were putting up a large tent and some equipment. A concert, he  thought.

He was hired, but the tent would not house a concert but revival  services, and in those services he saw life more clearly. He gave his  life over to God.

'Nothing's been  the same since,' he said, 'I felt the Lord telling me to keep walking,  and so I did, some 14 years now.'

'Ever  think of stopping?' I  asked.

'Oh, once in a  while, when it seems to get the best of me But God has given me this  calling. I give out Bibles That's what's in my sack. I work to buy food  and Bibles, and I give them out when His Spirit  leads.'

I sat amazed.  My homeless friend was not homeless. He was on a mission and lived this  way by choice. The question burned inside for a moment and then I asked:  'What's it like?'

'What?'

'To walk into a town carrying all your things on your back and to show  your sign?'

'Oh, it was humiliating at first. People would stare and make comments.  Once someone tossed a piece of half-eaten bread and made a gesture that  certainly didn't make me feel welcome. But then it became humbling to  realize that God was using me to touch lives and change people's  concepts of other folks like me.'

My concept was changing, too. We finished our dessert and gathered his  things. Just outside the door, he paused He turned to me and said, 'Come  Ye blessed of my Father and inherit the kingdom I've prepared for you.  For when I was hungry you gave me food, when I was thirsty you gave me  drink, a stranger and you took me  in.'

I felt as if we were on holy  ground. 'Could you use another Bible?' I  asked.

He said he  preferred a certain translation. It traveled well and was not too heavy.  It was also his personal favorite.. 'I've read through it 14 times,' he  said.

'I'm not sure we've got one  of those, but let's stop by our church and see' I was able to find my  new friend a Bible that would do well, and he seemed very  grateful.

'Where are  you headed from here?' I  asked.

'Well, I found  this little map on the back of this amusement park  coupon.'

'Are  you hoping to hire on there for a while?'

'No,  I just figure I should go there. I figure someone under that star right  there needs a Bible, so that's where I'm going  next.'

He smiled, and the warmth  of his spirit radiated the sincerity of his mission. I drove him back to  the town-square where we'd met two hours earlier, and as we drove, it  started raining. We parked and unloaded his  things.

'Would you sign  my autograph book?' he asked... 'I like to keep messages from folks I  meet.'

I wrote in his  little book that his commitment to his calling had touched my life. I  encouraged him to stay strong. And I left him with a verse of scripture  from Jeremiah, 'I know the plans I have for you, declared the Lord,  'plans to prosper you and not to harm you; Plans to give you a future  and a hope.'

'Thanks, man,' he said. 'I know we just met and we're really just  strangers, but I love  you.'

'I know,' I said,  'I love you, too.' 'The Lord is  good!'

'Yes, He is. How long has it been since someone hugged you?' I  asked.

A long time,'  he replied.

And so on  the busy street corner in the drizzling rain, my new friend and I  embraced, and I felt deep inside that I had been changed.. He put his  things on his back, smiled his winning smile and said, 'See you in the  New Jerusalem .'

'I'll  be there!' was my  reply.

He began his  journey again. He headed away with his sign dangling from his bedroll  and pack of Bibles. He stopped, turned and said, 'When you see something  that makes you think of me, will you pray for  me?'

'You bet,' I  shouted back, 'God  bless.'

'God bless.'  And that was the last I saw of  him.

Late that evening as I left  my office, the wind blew strong. The cold front had settled hard upon  the town. I bundled up and hurried to my car. As I sat back and reached  for the emergency brake, I saw them... a pair of well-worn brown work  gloves neatly laid over the length of the handle. I picked them up and  thought of my friend and wondered if his hands would stay warm that  night without them.

Then I  remembered his words: 'If you see something that makes you think of me,  will you pray for me?'

Today his gloves lie  on my desk in my office.. They help me to see the world and its people  in a new way, and they help me remember those two hours with my unique  friend and to pray for his ministry. 'See you in the New Jerusalem,' he  said. Yes, Daniel, I know I will...

What Are You Waiting For?

Once upon a time, there was a farmer who, among other things, raised chickens. One day, as he was out on his tractor, he passed by a small pond. Next to the water he found the scattered remains of a female duck (apparently killed by a fox) and a nest of eggs that the fox had somehow missed. He carefully scooped up the eggs, carried them back to the barn, and placed them in the nest of a hen. The trick worked! The old mother hen somehow got the idea that the eggs were hers. As maternal instinct kicked in, she sat on the eggs, just as she always did, until they finally hatched.
The ducklings never knew the difference. They assumed the old hen was their mother and followed her around the barnyard just the way baby chicks would usually do. The rest of the chickens didn't know the difference either. They readily accepted the baby ducklings as members of the family.
One day, a summer rainstorm had left a huge puddle of water in the barnyard. The chickens carefully picked their way around the edges of the water. But without even thinking about it, the ducklings just waddled over and started paddling around. The mother hen was greatly alarmed. "Get out of there this instant!" she frantically cried. "You can't do that! You're chickens! You'll drown!" Reluctantly, the ducklings left the puddle. The water had felt so good in the hot sun.
But the puddle incident was only the beginning of the duckling's confusion. They did their best to blend into the surrounding chicken culture, but they continued to suffer embarrassing lapses. Sometimes when they tried to cluck, they quacked instead. Sometimes when they got excited, they would flap their wings and start to fly -- until they remembered that they were chickens, and chickens didn't do that. Their embarrassment slowly grew into frustration and finally deepened into depression. Something wasn't right, and they couldn't figure out what it was.
One night, a wise owl sitting in a nearby tree saw the ducklings and said, "Whooooo... are you?" "Chickens," they replied sheepishly. They were ashamed to admit it. They knew they were not very good representatives of the chicken community.
"Don't be ridiculous, " the owl replied. "You are not chickens. You're not made to cluck and scratch the ground. Haven't you ever felt like swimming across a pond? Haven't you ever felt like spreading your wings and flying away?"
"Yes!" they replied. "Yes, we've felt that way many times. But we were always told that we couldn't. We were always told that we weren't supposed to."
"Horsefeathers!" cried the owl in disbelief.
The ducklings looked around excitedly among themselves.
"Well,' the owl finally asked, "what are you waiting for?"


- as told by Mark Ng

It is indeed a blessing to have good friends!

My dear friend, Lydia, planned a surprise birthday party for me last night. I thought I was only going to be the two of us, but when we arrived, she’d invited Chuka, Edmund and Justin also. We went to this lovely (and affordable!) Italian restaurant. They had some very beautiful and thoughtful presents for me. 

After that, they took me to Timber at East Coast. They have live bands there. She got the band to sing a blues version of ‘Happy Birthday to Jasmin’ from the stage for me. I also tried my very first Singapore Sling! It was such a wonderful evening.

Thank you, my dear friends, for loving and celebrating me so beautifully!

Day of Birth

Today is my birthday.
I had received 2 cards in the mail this past week, which I had saved to open this morning. It was lovely to wake up and read them in bed.
When I came to the office, Jeanette gave me a lovely pair of shell earrings and Sujin gave me an umbrella and some face cream.
I received a call from my old roomie, Lydia, and Chuka during the morning to wish me a good day.
I called Mum in my lunch break and chatted with her for about half an hour.
But, on the most part, no one here at work remembered. 
I was just starting to feel miserable and not celebrated when I received a call from a delivery man to go to the gate. He gave me a gorgeous bunch of pink roses from Joel! I feel so loved and blessed by him.
In the evening, Joel took me to 'El Patio', a mexican restaurant in Holland Village. *Bliss* it was wonderful to have Mexican food after craving it for so long!
We went to Clarke Quay the and had a lovely stroll through the night markets before going to Southbridge Jazz at 7atenight at the Esplanade Mall. It was the first time I've heard Alemay Fernandez and she is INCREDIBLE. 
Joel, thank you for such a *wonderful* birthday in every way. Without your thoughtfulness and kindness and extravagant love, it would not have been so perfect...

The 'S' Word

I have been wondering for a long time EXACTLY what submission is supposed to look like in marriage. I understand that the man is the head of his family [1 Corinthians 11:3] and that a wife is instructed to submit to her husband [Ephesians 5:22 - 24]. I know the theory, so to speak, but I have not understood what this looks like practically on a daily basis.
I have a strong belief that obedience and submission are two entirely different things. Obedience is an action word. It applies to what we do. It brings to mind a picture of someone in authority giving an command and the one under their authority following through on the command regardless of personal thoughts or feelings.
Submission is a heart attitude. I recently heard a teacher describe it as, 'a willingness in your heart to obey.' (Unfortunately I cannot exactly remember who said this but I am fairly certain it was Steve Aherne). I see submission as an intentional choice to honour and respect others in my heart; a willingness to see things from another's perspective regardless of my personal feelings towards them or their perspective. 
Submission is in the heart and the outworking of it may be obedience, although I do not believe that this is an unconditional requirement. 
Towards the end of last year, an added level was introduced to me by Joseph Chean. This is called 'yielding'.
In my opinion, yielding is about surrendering my right to NOT obey, and to obey both willingly and cheerfully from a heart of submission. I do not believe, again, that this is an unconditional requirement. There may be times when the authority over us says something that is against either God's written Word (the Bible, his logos or written Word) or against his word for the moment (rhema, his spoken word). 
Sometimes the authority over us tell us to do something that is not a moral issue, but is against what we think is right, want to do, or believe that God is leading us into. This is a fine line to walk and I do not currently fully understand when to obey regardless of our own thoughts/feelings/convictions and when to not. I do not believe that authorities over us have authority in every area. For example, my boss in the workplace has authority over me in everything pertaining to my work and workplace, but he or she DOES NOT have authority over things pertaining to my spirituality. This is important to not confuse.
So submission is a heart attitude that is willing to obey and is willing to see another's perspective. Obedience is an action that follows on from submission but it not unconditional. Yielding is the act of obedience, coming from a submissive heart, that has laid down the right to not obey. 
More on this as I think about it in the coming weeks...

Trusting

Let not steadfast love and faithfulness forsake you; bind them around your neck; write them on the tablet of your heart. So you will find favour and good success in the sight of God and man. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones. Proverbs 3:3 - 8 [ESV]

I am afraid of losing control. The idea of really (REALLY) trusting God in the issues that are the closest to my heart is a little scary. Actually it is very scary.

God spoke to me this morning from this passage. It is comforting me as I face a big challenge ahead...

Forgiveness

I am amazed, again, that time keeps marching on regardless of my feelings on the matter. Perhaps we should add an extra day to every week. An eight day week would be helpful. 
My church is in the middle of a season called 'NT in 30' for this month. The goal is that we, as a whole church, will read the entire New Testament during this month. It is incredible the amount of work that has gone into planning this month. There is a reading plan, a blog page and supplementary information (like the historical background of certain books etc). Everyone was given a bookmark with the reading plan on it also. 
Anyway... yesterday was Matthew chapters 1 - 12. Today was Matthew 13 - 23. There have been a few verses or repeated idea that have jumped out at me, but now I want to talk about this one in particular:

'So also my heavenly Father will do to everyone of, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.' Matthew 18:35

The issue is forgiveness...
When I read that verse today, God reminded me of a journey in forgiveness that I have taken before, that of forgiving my step Father.
When I first came back to God (2005), very soon God spoke to me about forgiving my step Father for all the things he had done that had hurt me so deeply. It took 4 months to reach a point where I could honestly say I forgave him. 
At the start, I had no desire. I didn't want to forgive him. He had done some very deep damage to me, my identity, and had affected my core beliefs about myself. He gave me a very bad example of a Father which, in turn, affected the way I saw God as my Dad.
But every morning, I woke up and asked God to change my heart, to give me a desire to forgive him.
The turning point was a vision that God gave me. I saw my step Father when he was a little boy. God showed me some of the deep wounds that he had received when he was small and defenseless. I started to weep for him, for him as a little boy who had been rejected and hurt.
From there, God developed a heart for my step Father. He had wronged me. He did not deserve forgiveness. But he was also a hurting man. Hurting people hurt people...
I continued to pray for God to grow in me a heart of love and forgiveness. It was NOT EASY. My step Father was in the same house and still continued his destructive and hurtful behaviour. 
As I said, it took four months, but by the grace of God, I forgave him. 
Now, I am facing the same thing. There is a situation in my life where I am not moving forward because I have not forgiven certain people. They wronged me. They did it with the best intentions, I am really sure of that, but hurt was done in my heart. 
As I read that verse today, this situation came rushing to my mind and I feel like I am at the start of the same path again. 
I do not WANT to forgive them, but I WANT TO WANT TO forgive.


Daddy, please work in my heart. Please come and give me your love and your heart for the people who have hurt me and caused me pain. I want to see them and love them the way you do. Please give me your eyes to see...