Forgiving Myself...

I have been a mother now for 23 days...

And already I am on learning overdrive.

Most of the time, I totally love it and ALL of the time I am completely in love with my son. He rocks my world. 

But there have already been moments where my my head felt like it entered a different dimension. I was there but not really there. It’s amazing what sleep depravation can do to a person. 

Sometimes I just cried. Sometimes I felt angry. 

And after a while, I started to feel guilty.

How could I be ‘losing it’ so soon into the game? Why didn’t I have it together like the other mums I looked at or who’s blogs I read online? 

Motherhood is nothing like the Hallmark card or Hollywood version that I have been sold. And I am only 3 weeks into the journey...

One night, about a week ago, when, at 3am, I had ended up so frustrated and tired, I felt God speak to me.

‘The sooner you realise that you will never be the perfect mother, the better it will be.’

I suddenly remembered my pre-motherhood ideals where I already knew that I would never get it totally right. I could hear my own voice, ‘as long as we are quick to apologise to our kids, we’ll be ok.’

I needed to forgive myself for not being perfect - for not being the serene and calm mother that I would love my son to have. Yes, that would be fantastic for him if I was, but it also wouldn't be the real me.

I also remembered something God had spoken to me previously.

‘Be a mother of compassion for your kids.’

My son cannot speak. He cannot tell me why he is upset. And even if I do everything that I can think of to ‘fix’ him, I may not be doing the ‘right’ things to settle him. That’s neither his fault, nor mine. But choosing to have compassion towards him moves me from a place of annoyance or irritation, to a place of love and empathy. 

Being a mum isn’t easy, but I am learning so much and enjoying the journey. I thank God for his grace to me, and I am learning to extend that grace to myself...

My Son

I am sitting here with my 2 week, 5 day old son in my arms and feeling so incredibly blessed. My boy is fantastic. And there are no words to adequately describe the feeling of becoming a mother.

Getting him here was quite a task! I had a 17.5 hour labour without using any pain killers besides nitrous oxide for a period in the middle (and I thank God for it!). My son came on May 17 at 4:03pm and my life changed forever.

That moment when he came out and I saw him, and realised that I am now a mummy to a life. Looking at him and being amazed at how white he is. I was so certain he’d take after his Indian father more and be a lot more tanned. Listening to him cry out for the first time. Having him lay on my chest... such a precious moment.

Before having him, I had been told so many horror stories about labour, which honestly did me no good and only instilled in me a spirit of fear. (Why do Christians do that to others? I really don’t understand how that is godly.) But there is nothing that anyone could say that could prepare me for it.

It was painful, yes. And long. But... amazingly, it was doable.

We had purchased the book, ‘Supernatural Childbirth’ by Jackie Mize and had been praying and believing for pain-free pregnancy and labour and unfortunately didn’t get either. That isn’t to say that I no longer believe it is possible. I genuinely do and when we have another child, I will again pray and believe for it.

Never-the-less, I learnt a lot through the pain that I experienced.

The other thing that everyone said to me was, besides it being so painful that you wish you would die, that you forget the pain the moment you see your child. At least for me, that was so not the case. I remember every little moment of it. 

For me, it was more about value. My son is of such high value to me, that the cost of what I paid to get him is of far less consequence. He is precious. And I would go through it all again just to have him.

The second thing I learnt was about God. I understand at such a deeper level now, how much it cost him to send Jesus to earth, to go through all that he did, and then to die. My protective feelings over my son are strong. If anyone was to lay a hand on him to harm him, I would tear them apart without a second thought. There is a tigress awakened inside of me over my son. Woe to the one who tries to hurt him.

If I have such feelings for my boy, then God’s must be infinitely greater, because his capacity to love is infinitely greater than mine. And yet... he still let go. And allowed his heart to break.

My gratefulness to God is more abundant now. Because I have glimpsed the price he paid for me. For us.