It is almost four years now since I 'became' a mother.
In my pre-motherhood days, I was quite certain of my mothering skills. I knew that I was going to be a natural. I had so many plans and desires about who and what I would be as a mum.
Of course, it came as quite a shock when I realised how far from my ideal I actually was. In fact, not even a week of motherhood had passed when, exhausted beyond my previous me's imagination could conceive, I realised that I just wasn't enjoying motherhood.
Since then, with a second boy added to my tribe, I have had infinite examples of my own sinfulness as a mother. It has been the biggest struggle of my life; both to recognise my fallenness and to see the effect my bad behaviour has on the little people I love the most.
Lately, God has been teaching me the truth that sin is a choice. I know we believe that in our heads, and have heard teaching on it often, but we hold the opposite as true too, that we are fallen humans, sinners on the road to grace, and won't achieve the fullness of our sanctification until we meet Jesus in eternity...
When I read the Bible, I can no longer hold that as true.
An example of this can be found in John 8:1 - 11. The passage talks about the adulterous woman caught in her sin. The religious leaders want to stone her to death, and they bring her to Jesus, hoping to trap Him. But Jesus replies them by saying, whoever among you is without sin, he can throw the first stone...
The story ends with Jesus saying to the woman: “Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more."
If you look up the words, "no more" in the original Greek, it means, "no longer, no more, not hereafter"... (Another example of this can be found in John 5:14)
The problem with this truth is that it is a real slap in my own face. If sin is indeed a choice, and I find myself still sinning, it is my own fault.
Jesus has already paid the price for my sin, and as a born again, new creation, I already have the power inside of me to overcome sin, that is, the Holy Spirit.
The weakness and error is mine.
Not His.
I am not willing to do the work of dying to my own self, counting my own self as dead, and living in Him.
And the result is a life NOT filled with the fruit of the Spirit. Which, to be honest, has been what much of my parenting has looked like.
I have been meditating on His fruit for the past week, asking the Spirit to bring them alive in me. Asking HIM to be alive in me.
Today was not the easiest day. I was stretched, had a migraine, my boys were cranky at being confined inside while a thunder storm raged outside.
And yet, I was self-controlled and parented with goodness, all glory to God.
I didn't lose my temper. I didn't get frustrated. Yes, I did correct them, but I did so with love and kindness.
It stood out to me so starkly because it is so rare.
And now, at the end of the day, I am sitting thinking about the day, sipping my tea, and I'm grateful to God for being strong in me today.
Responding in love today, entirely powered by the Holy Spirit, felt good. It feels good to not be controlled by my emotions.
Goodness is indeed it's own reward.
