The Age of Consent

We have always made it a point with our two sons to teach them about consent. They are not obligated to physically touch people, although they do need to be polite. In spite of this, they are almost constantly forcefully touched by adults, even strangers. Well meaning adults expect children to return their physical acts of friendliness or affection simply because they are the adults. 

I have never agreed with this mindset. 

When my boys are saying goodbye to anyone, even family or friends, I ask them, "Would you like to give a hug or a high five?" The boys can say no to both if they prefer to not. Usually my eldest will opt for a high five and my youngest will give a hug. My eldest is naturally more reserved with physical affection, as I myself was when I was a child. 

Growing up, the concept of consent was not taught at all. My grandfather forced me (and other grandkids) to sit on the lap of family friends, many of whom we may have just met. 

Last year, 2018, was a year when I was deeply confronted with my upbringing, the lack of healthy boundaries and I had to learn anew how to make good choices for me and for my family. 

Our precious daughter is now over 2 weeks old. We had some extended family visit us today and of course, they wanted to hold her. She was not happy and obviously just wanted to be with Mummy. She was very fussy and then increasingly upset to the point of loud crying.  

It made me stop and think about what was really going on. At what age is a child 'allowed' to make choices about their own bodies? I do not believe in the idea that 'all babies cry' - implying that they cry for no particular reason. A crying baby is a communicating person. My daughter didn't want to be held by anyone at else at that time. Usually she is fine being carried by our visitors. 

It disturbs me that adults feel that they have the right to force their own wants onto children. How then will we teach our kids how to say no when they are being abused, if we have trained them from birth that they have no autonomy over their own bodies?  

I carried my daughter to the bedroom to feed her and she settled right down and soon went peacefully to sleep. 

Boys can be abused and they also need to be taught about consent. But somehow, having a daughter now, and being a woman who has been abused myself, the lesson is so much more real and close to home. 

I have many parenting goals, but one of them is to teach all my kids to be respectful of other people's boundaries, but also to put in place healthy boundaries for themselves and their own bodies.