Forgiving Myself...

I have been a mother now for 23 days...

And already I am on learning overdrive.

Most of the time, I totally love it and ALL of the time I am completely in love with my son. He rocks my world. 

But there have already been moments where my my head felt like it entered a different dimension. I was there but not really there. It’s amazing what sleep depravation can do to a person. 

Sometimes I just cried. Sometimes I felt angry. 

And after a while, I started to feel guilty.

How could I be ‘losing it’ so soon into the game? Why didn’t I have it together like the other mums I looked at or who’s blogs I read online? 

Motherhood is nothing like the Hallmark card or Hollywood version that I have been sold. And I am only 3 weeks into the journey...

One night, about a week ago, when, at 3am, I had ended up so frustrated and tired, I felt God speak to me.

‘The sooner you realise that you will never be the perfect mother, the better it will be.’

I suddenly remembered my pre-motherhood ideals where I already knew that I would never get it totally right. I could hear my own voice, ‘as long as we are quick to apologise to our kids, we’ll be ok.’

I needed to forgive myself for not being perfect - for not being the serene and calm mother that I would love my son to have. Yes, that would be fantastic for him if I was, but it also wouldn't be the real me.

I also remembered something God had spoken to me previously.

‘Be a mother of compassion for your kids.’

My son cannot speak. He cannot tell me why he is upset. And even if I do everything that I can think of to ‘fix’ him, I may not be doing the ‘right’ things to settle him. That’s neither his fault, nor mine. But choosing to have compassion towards him moves me from a place of annoyance or irritation, to a place of love and empathy. 

Being a mum isn’t easy, but I am learning so much and enjoying the journey. I thank God for his grace to me, and I am learning to extend that grace to myself...