The Age of Consent

We have always made it a point with our two sons to teach them about consent. They are not obligated to physically touch people, although they do need to be polite. In spite of this, they are almost constantly forcefully touched by adults, even strangers. Well meaning adults expect children to return their physical acts of friendliness or affection simply because they are the adults. 

I have never agreed with this mindset. 

When my boys are saying goodbye to anyone, even family or friends, I ask them, "Would you like to give a hug or a high five?" The boys can say no to both if they prefer to not. Usually my eldest will opt for a high five and my youngest will give a hug. My eldest is naturally more reserved with physical affection, as I myself was when I was a child. 

Growing up, the concept of consent was not taught at all. My grandfather forced me (and other grandkids) to sit on the lap of family friends, many of whom we may have just met. 

Last year, 2018, was a year when I was deeply confronted with my upbringing, the lack of healthy boundaries and I had to learn anew how to make good choices for me and for my family. 

Our precious daughter is now over 2 weeks old. We had some extended family visit us today and of course, they wanted to hold her. She was not happy and obviously just wanted to be with Mummy. She was very fussy and then increasingly upset to the point of loud crying.  

It made me stop and think about what was really going on. At what age is a child 'allowed' to make choices about their own bodies? I do not believe in the idea that 'all babies cry' - implying that they cry for no particular reason. A crying baby is a communicating person. My daughter didn't want to be held by anyone at else at that time. Usually she is fine being carried by our visitors. 

It disturbs me that adults feel that they have the right to force their own wants onto children. How then will we teach our kids how to say no when they are being abused, if we have trained them from birth that they have no autonomy over their own bodies?  

I carried my daughter to the bedroom to feed her and she settled right down and soon went peacefully to sleep. 

Boys can be abused and they also need to be taught about consent. But somehow, having a daughter now, and being a woman who has been abused myself, the lesson is so much more real and close to home. 

I have many parenting goals, but one of them is to teach all my kids to be respectful of other people's boundaries, but also to put in place healthy boundaries for themselves and their own bodies.   
   

The First of a Few Updates

It has been a long (long, long!) time since I posted anything here. I honestly didn't realise how long it had been. So much has happened and there are a lot of changes, both in terms of our lives and our hearts. 

Most of our friends should already know, but we are currently 37 days (who is counting though right?) away from moving from Singapore to Tasmania, Australia. 

I will be 6 weeks short of having lived in Singapore for 11 years. My husband has never lived overseas before and besides small trips to nearby and quite similar countries, my two sons have never been anywhere. Our eldest was in Australia when he was 18 months old and I was pregnant with our second, but he doesn't remember it at all. 

I have never been to Tasmania at all. It has been such a God-led journey getting us to this point. 

We first heard a word to go there in June 2018, just last year. Up until that point, I had no thoughts or considerations in that direction. It wasn't even on my radar. And yet piece by piece, every little thing has fallen into place. 

We will be moving to a 200 acre community farm. We will have our own home on the property, but will be involved with the other families every day in different ways. This is such a wonderful opportunity, especially for our kids...

Which brings me to our other important news. I am currently four days 'over due' to have our third baby. As I don't really put much belief in due dates exactly, and both my boys were more than a week 'late' we are just sitting tight and waiting for this little one to come when he or she is ready. We don't find out the gender so it will be a nice surprise to see if we have another son to add to the tribe or our first daughter. 

Tolerance

We were in church this morning, and a mother was sitting not far from us, holding a child who was about 6 months old. The child occasionally made some noise, not particularly loud, but every time the baby did so, all heads in our immediate area turned to stare, some, not all, with a bit of a head shake. After a few times, a young usher came to her and asked her to take the baby out.

I felt so irritated. Because when did we become so intolerant? "Give the woman a break!" I wanted to yell.

We live in such a morally permissive time. If it feels good, right, comfortable, then you should probably do it. And tolerance in the church is just as present as outside. We even go so far as to promote living in ways that are far from God's will and kingdom. Because, who are we to judge? Who are we to say that our interpretation of manuscript that has been translated time after time after time is truth? What is 'truth' anyway?

And yet, any small inconvenience to ourselves, like having to focus a little harder on the message and not allowing our minds to wander off when a small child makes a small sound, then we are quick to make a judgement. 

What is better? That a mum who may have had a tough week, who may need comfort from the Body, who may not have had much of a chance to sit down and read the Word - that she would have the chance to sit and hear and receive, even if that means her baby makes a little noise? Or should we ask her to leave, to sit outside the walls that protect us from discomfort? 

Is it better for her child to grow up being included in the congregation? Or to learn the modern take on 'children should be seen and not heard'? 

I am not saying that we should allow kids to run riot, to shout and scream and do whatever they want to while in church. The rule of love, of doing what is most loving for those around us, would necessitate teaching and discipleship of congregation kids on how to show respect, how to listen and learn about Jesus, how to be quiet so that others can also have the same opportunity to hear.

This dear mother was not causing any major disruption. She was working to keep her child quiet. But kids make noise. Small noises and large noises. And the inconvenience of that to others should not result in getting escorted out. 

Let us turn our tolerance in a better direction. Let's include whole families in the whole congregation and give parents the space, grace and chance to teach their kids how to love God and to love His kids within the corporate setting. 

Our Childrens' Hearts

We are now two days away from the biggest move of our 4-year-old's life. He was 21-months-old when we moved into our current home. Although this new home will be his fifth since he was born, this is the only one he remembers living in.

We started to notice some difficult behaviour in him last week. He was sometimes angry, and at other times anxious. When I sat down with him to talk, he made statements like, "I will miss my friends", "I will miss this house" and "I feel angry". 

Levi is the most like me, in terms of outward appearance, but also character and personality. One of the traits that we share is that we don't like change. We enjoy adventures, exploring, creativity, new experiences, but we both need and crave a stable home life. 

For myself, growing up, I had the opposite of stability. I have lived in more than 20 homes in my life. My family moved very often, usually every 1 - 2 years. There was no real reason for moving so often. I am not entirely sure why we did. I learnt to manage and to cope, but as an adult, I can process it better now and can see how the instability led to a lot of different behaviours in me. 

For example, I was constantly collecting things. I like to save and hoard things because they were constants. Granted, there was also the creative component of that, in that I saw beauty and usefulness in almost everything.

Levi is quite similar. He loves collections. He knows all his toys and notices if any go missing. 

As a parent during a major life change like moving house, it can be easy in the busyness of packing, etc. to forget that we are responsible to carry, care for and help with the processing of our children's emotions. They do not have the same ability to analyse what they are feeling and to respond appropriately. Change is inevitable, but how we deal with it helps us to transition well. 

So we sit with him. We engage. We give him space to talk. We don't tell him he is silly. We acknowledge his pain. We let him talk about what scares him. Often just the act of looking into his eyes and reiterating his emotions is enough to bring peace to his heart. 

Presence and Presents

One of my most favourite things is when our almost four-year-old comes into the bedroom in the morning for snuggles. His hair is all ruffled and his eyes are still sleepy as he nestles into my arms. I kiss him on the head and for that moment, everything is perfect.

Some of my least favourite parenting moments are when he constantly asks me for things. Every advertisement, kids show, playdate with friends or at the local playground leads to... "Mummy, I was thinking about buying..." or "Mummy, I want to have..."

I love it when my son wants me, and not the things, the 'blessings' that I can give to him.

Parenting has opened my eyes a lot to how it might be for our Father God. Since thinking about this, I have been intentionally noticing the amount of time I spend asking God for something versus the times I just want Him, and His presence. 

We named our eldest Levi purposefully. In the Bible, when the promised land was being divided among the tribes of Israel, the Levites were not given land, because their inheritance and their reward was the Lord Himself, and to serve him in the temple. (See Numbers 18)

We hope and pray that Levi will grow to be a man who loves God, and lives his life as an offering, without seeking first the inevitable blessings that come from being in God's family. 

It's a challenge. We have needs and desires. And they are valid. But as a parent, I already know what our sons need to grow and thrive and I take additional delight in giving them above and beyond those basic needs. 

And being nagged for things is exhausting. 

A great delight and desire for me is for my sons to want to be with me, to spend time in my presence, without asking for 'stuff'. 

And my great desire as a daughter in God's house is to grow to seek His presence to the point that His 'presents' are not even in my view. 

Goodness is It's Own Reward

It is almost four years now since I 'became' a mother. 

In my pre-motherhood days, I was quite certain of my mothering skills. I knew that I was going to be a natural. I had so many plans and desires about who and what I would be as a mum.

Of course, it came as quite a shock when I realised how far from my ideal I actually was. In fact, not even a week of motherhood had passed when, exhausted beyond my previous me's imagination could conceive, I realised that I just wasn't enjoying motherhood. 

Since then, with a second boy added to my tribe, I have had infinite examples of my own sinfulness as a mother. It has been the biggest struggle of my life; both to recognise my fallenness and to see the effect my bad behaviour has on the little people I love the most.

Lately, God has been teaching me the truth that sin is a choice. I know we believe that in our heads, and have heard teaching on it often, but we hold the opposite as true too, that we are fallen humans, sinners on the road to grace, and won't achieve the fullness of our sanctification until we meet Jesus in eternity...

When I read the Bible, I can no longer hold that as true. 

An example of this can be found in John 8:1 - 11. The passage talks about the adulterous woman caught in her sin. The religious leaders want to stone her to death, and they bring her to Jesus, hoping to trap Him. But Jesus replies them by saying, whoever among you is without sin, he can throw the first stone...

The story ends with Jesus saying to the woman: “Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more."

If you look up the words, "no more" in the original Greek, it means, "no longer, no more, not hereafter"... (Another example of this can be found in John 5:14)

The problem with this truth is that it is a real slap in my own face. If sin is indeed a choice, and I find myself still sinning, it is my own fault. 

Jesus has already paid the price for my sin, and as a born again, new creation, I already have the power inside of me to overcome sin, that is, the Holy Spirit. 

The weakness and error is mine. 

Not His. 

I am not willing to do the work of dying to my own self, counting my own self as dead, and living in Him. 

And the result is a life NOT filled with the fruit of the Spirit. Which, to be honest, has been what much of my parenting has looked like.

I have been meditating on His fruit for the past week, asking the Spirit to bring them alive in me. Asking HIM to be alive in me. 

Today was not the easiest day. I was stretched, had a migraine, my boys were cranky at being confined inside while a thunder storm raged outside. 

And yet, I was self-controlled and parented with goodness, all glory to God. 

I didn't lose my temper. I didn't get frustrated. Yes, I did correct them, but I did so with love and kindness. 

It stood out to me so starkly because it is so rare. 

And now, at the end of the day, I am sitting thinking about the day, sipping my tea, and I'm grateful to God for being strong in me today.

Responding in love today, entirely powered by the Holy Spirit, felt good. It feels good to not be controlled by my emotions. 

Goodness is indeed it's own reward. 

Yelling

I recently read a blog post called '7 Life Changing Things I Learned From 30 Days of No Yelling' by Allie Casazza.

It struck a deep, personal chord with me, because I, too, am a yeller. 

Just typing the above sentence makes me feel vulnerable. I don't like to be perceived as THAT kind of Mum. I am often complimented for my maternal patience, which I do immediately correct, because patience is one of my most lacking virtues. However, I can see that my rebuttal is seen as 'modesty'.

But it is true... I yell when I am frustrated, angry, hurt, sad. It is a learnt behaviour. I was yelled at a lot when I was a child. And now, as I see myself echoing my own childhood to my children, I know that it has to stop here and now, with me. 

These past 6 months, my husband and I have been getting to know the Holy Spirit more. A lot of emphasis has been on God the Father, and Jesus, the Son, but there is a third person in the Trinity, and He is just as important to personally know. 

And in knowing Him more, the Spirit, I am challenged to see how His fruit, the fruit of the Spirit, are so often not my first response. 

In Galatians 5:18 - 21, there is a list of the works of the flesh, i.e. our natural selves. Among them is 'fits of anger'. 

It goes on to say, in verses 22 - 23:

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law."

I am not going to do a '30 Day No Yelling Challenge'. 

It's not the way I work and such things are rarely effective for me. 

I AM asking the Spirit to work in me, everyday, from now on. 

I am currently on Day 3, and I have to confess, I have yelled at least once on each of those days. My flesh is weak. But I rest and will continue to rest in the fact that it is the Spirit who changes me. 

At each 'failure' I can stop and confess my sin to God and to my children. And I will keep doing this, resting in Him, reminding myself of His Presence moment-by-moment, until I look exactly like Him. 

Helicopter Parenting

I have often heard 'helicopter parenting' said as a negative. It seems that parents either ARE helicopter parents, or they strongly dislike them. 

In case you haven't heard the term before, 'helicopter parenting' is used to describe parents who 'hover' over their kids, being over-protective of them.

I am the type of parent who is not your typical definition of a helicopter parent. If my child is brave enough to climb somewhere high, swing from that bar, ride really fast, etc. I let them. As long as they are safe (i.e. not playing on or very near a road), I think that courage is learnt through play.

But there is one area that I absolutely will 'hover' over my kids... and that is bullying. 

I CANNOT (note the capital letters) stand bullying. 

My sons are 3.5 and 1.5 currently. They have already been the recipients of bullying. Fortunately, they are fairly clueless about the idea of being nasty for fun. But the eldest is just starting to realise when other kids are being mean to him, and their words are beginning to affect him. 

We were at a playground earlier this week and there was a 'pack' of six boys approximately 6- or 7-years-old being led by the apparent pack leader to 'pick on' any other kids in the area. When we arrived, my boys naturally joined in, trying to play with them, but they were quickly ejected from the group.

"You aren't our friend."

"You can't play with us."

"Don't go near those boys. They are just silly babies."

"Don't share your cars with THEM."

Their body language and voice tone were mean. 

Z (1.5yo) laughed and chased them, thinking it was a funny game.

L (3.5yo) slowly withdrew and sat on the outside of the playground. 

I asked him if he was ok, and did he want to talk. He looked crestfallen as he said that he was fine and he didn't want to talk. 

I asked him if he would like a hug and he again said that he didn't.

After a while he came closer to me and asked, "Why do they keep saying I am a silly baby?"

I replied him, "I don't know why. But is it the truth? Are you a silly baby?"

"No!" he replied. "I am not a silly baby."

We talked some more and he did go back to play eventually.

But I sat there with a storm inside me. 

Why is it ok for us as parents to sit back and allow bad behaviour to be normal and excuse it as 'kids just being kids'? Since when do they get to set the moral standard for playground behaviour? How do children learn that it is ok to tease, belittle and be nasty to other children? What kind of adults will they grow up to become? Why are we so paranoid about cleanliness but negligent when it comes to character?

As parents, we need to recognise the difference being over intervening, and allowing bad behaviour to run riot. 

So my sons are #wildandfree. They climb on things. They dig the dirt. They jump off stuff. 

But if they ever DARE to bully, name call or hurt another child, I will be 'on' them quicker than they can imagine. The world has enough hurtfulness. I don't want to raise children to be adults who contribute to it. 

An Ache of Motherhood

One of the most painful experiences of motherhood, is watching your children come face-to-face with the ups and downs of relationships.

This morning, we were at a playground. Levi has been slowly getting to know these slightly bigger boys, who are about 5-years-old. But today, Levi was the 'annoying smaller kid' who was wrecking their game. My precious, but not perfect, 3-year-old was sincerely trying to play with them. But he just didn't get what they were doing. 

I know these other boys from our many playground trips. I've met their parents and have had conversations with the helpers/maids who watch over them. They are not bad kids. One of the boys in particular, is actually quite sweet. 

But today, they 'ganged up' on Levi. They chased him, pushed him, called him names. I watched Levi process what was happening. At first he thought it was funny, just a new way of playing. But slowly I saw him realise that they were not actually being nice to him, and I both saw and felt the change of emotions in him.

I teared as I thought about humanity at large. We are so quick to reject what annoys us. How can I blame these bunch of kids for rejecting my son, when we adults lack the self-control and compassion to embrace those who are different?

When someone 'stomps' all over my 'game', my agenda, my preferred way of relating, my defences come up and I react, trying to protect whatever is mine: my rights, my choices. 

Today, I cried for Levi but I also cried for us all on both sides of relationships. 

As he came running to me, looking for comfort, snuggling into my side, I thought about our Father God, the ultimate parent. If I feel like this, how much must He feel in His amplified love? 

I prayed that my boys would grow to embrace others'. I wish that they would enjoy the differences, to have curiosity and not to shun. May they be a part of changing the way we humans relate to each other. 

Public vs. Private

I always have this inner struggle about my online presence. I have so much to say, so many thoughts, and sometimes it is nice to send them out into the world. I very rarely have any comments, or feedback, on what I share on here. And that is ok with me.

But then there is the flip side: I am super private. I like to keep my family to myself. And I specifically don't like to post many/any photos of my son online.

I was recently asked why, if it was intentional. Yes, of course it is. I used to be an over sharer. At one stage I was posting a new photo album daily (when I first moved to Singapore and I wanted to share my journey with my friends at home).

Even when Levi was first born, I happily posted photos willy nilly.

But then I began to think more deeply about the whole thing. I know that I would not like my online presence to be decided for me. I would not like to have a 'personality' assumed about me based on what people saw of me online. 

I feel a little bit sorry for kids these days. They will grow up 'famous' even if in just a smaller circle. All the adults in their lives will have an opinion about who they are, their character and personhood, sometimes without even having seen them in real life. 

I get the 'proud parent' thing. My word! I am so incredibly proud of my son. I would love to tell the world about his every little milestone, and I would expect you all to be as impressed and enthralled as I am. But at what cost? 

In addition to this, there is the very real risk of online predators. I don't think it is paranoid to be aware of this and to minimise as much potential risk as possible.

And then last of all, as I said in a previous post, I am mindful of what I am modeling to my son. Do I want to lead him to be as addicted as I am, as every adult in his life that he will ever know is? As much as I want to make healthy choices for him in terms of diet, I also want to choose well for him regarding technology.

Slowing Down

Our son is now 5 months old. It takes me by surprise, how fast that time has gone. Mind you, there have been moments that have felt like eternity, but overall, I cannot believe that he is growing up so fast. 

I am learning to slow down. Slow down my expectations. Slow down my heart and mind. That does not come easy to me. 

I am learning to enjoy just spending time with our boy. To put down my phone, laptop, etc. and to just lay with him and giggle. It's great fun to find his ticklish spots or to amuse him with funny faces. 

I have to keep reminding myself that raising a son is a worthy way to spend my life. My thoughts keep telling me that I am not doing enough, that my life should count for more, that I should be contributing to God's Kingdom and our community more productively.

I have to trust that God is pleased with my life and my heart. 

And besides, being a Mum is fantastic for character development! I have a lot more opportunities to practice patience when he is cranky, sacrifice when I am tired and don't feel like attending to him and love when I feel stretched with nothing left to give. 

I have a long way to go. 

Night Light for Parents

I am not the kind who enjoys devotionals. I mean, I can enjoy them for a day or two, a week at most, but then the rigidity of having to read them day after day gets to me and I just let it drop...

There are seasons in my life, however, when devotionals have been really helpful. I am in that season now. 

I subscribed to 'Night Lights for Parents', an online devotional by Dr. James Dobson which is delivered daily to my inbox. It's available through www.biblegateway.com

Today's message by John William Smith really spoke to me. The context is that he is talking about a school cross country race. Here is an excerpt: 

As the class 5A girls’ race came to a close, I watched a forty-plus-year-old mother—who was wearing patent leather shoes and a skirt and carrying a purse—run the last hundred yards beside her daughter. She saw no other runners. As she ran awkwardly—her long dark hair coming undone and streaming out behind her, giving no thought to the spectacle she made—she cried, “Run, Tami, run!—Run, Tami, run!” There were hundreds of people crowding in, shouting and screaming, but this mother was determined to be heard. “Run, Tami, run—Run, Tami, run,” she pleaded. The girl had no chance to win, and the voice of her mother, whose heart was bursting with exertion and emotion, was not urging her to win.

She was urging her to finish.

The girl was in trouble. Her muscles were cramping; her breath came in ragged gasps; her stride was broken, faltering; she was in the last stages of weariness—just before collapse. But when she heard her mother’s voice, a marvelous transformation took place. She straightened; she found her balance, her bearing, her rhythm; and she finished. She crossed the finish line, turned, and collapsed into the arms of her mother.

They fell down together on the grass and cried, and then they laughed. They were having the best time together, like there was no one else in the world but them. God, I thought, that is so beautiful. Thank You for letting me see that.

Yes, this is encouraging as a new parent. It is a picture of the kind of parent that I wish to be. 

But more so, the message that hit my heart was of God's Father heart for me. I could hear Him whisper in my ear, run, Jasmin, run. 

Being a Mum isn't a walk in the park. There are major rewards, but also incredible challenges and deep stretching. 

Knowing that my Father is there, not requesting perfection, but encouraging me to finish well and do my best job... That is wealth. 

One of Those Days

[http://www.someecards.com]

Today has just been one of those days.

With less than three weeks to go, my hormones are raging and, with sleep is not coming easy, I am very tired. And my baby is not even here yet!

And I am totally amazed at some of my friends who have already had kids and managed to be nice and sweet and patient with people the whole time they were pregnant. Seriously... HOW did they do it? I feel like giving people a high five in the face... 

I feel so ugly for thinking and feeling that way. 

My husband and I are studying at Bible School this year and we are currently focusing on the book of 1 Corinthians. Today, the only thing that came to mind as I was fighting with myself to not give in to my emotions was 1 Corinthians 13 - the love chapter.

There is no point to me doing this study at all, if it is for academic knowledge, or for the certificate. It must be practical and applicable to my life. The Word of God must change me, renew my mind, help me to reflect God more - or else I am wasting my time.

And so, I sat down to let this word wash over me. 

And the truth came to set me free. My emotions are real. Hormones aren't imaginary. This is a physical reality in my body right now. But I still have a choice. Will I give in and let myself rage? Or will I allow the Holy Spirit to flow in me? 

Raging doesn't even help myself. After giving in, I don't feel any better. In fact, giving in makes me feel worse - let alone others.

But love. God's love for me. And his love through me, allowing me to respond in grace to my husband. Or whoever. This is healing for others and for myself.

And this is the truth of God, working in me practically. Am I 'fixed'? No... not really. But I am softened. And empowered to press on into him. 

1 Corinthians 13
1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.