Of Love and Fear

A couple of years ago I was staffing a DTS (Diacipleship Training School) here is Singapore. We were on the week of 'Lordship' and Mark Parker from New Zealand was teaching. 

At the end of the week, he always has one day called 'Lordship Day' which is an opportunity for all staff and students to come to God and fully commit to Him, and to make Jesus Lord over every area of their lives. 

During that day, God spoke to me and revealed that for the majority of my life, I had been ruled by fear. I had allowed fear to control my choices and my mind. 

And it was true. I have so many memories as a child, and then as an adult, of being terrified. I was scared of the dark, scared of performing, scared of being attacked, scared of 'End Times', scared to be noticed, to stand out or be different. 

When God revealed my fears to me, I asked Him to heal me. My favourite childhood memory verse kept coming to me: 

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind". 

2 Timothy 1:7

And God did indeed begin the healing process in me, setting me free of many fears and giving me His freedom to enjoy life and to enjoy being all He created me to be. 

When I look at His deep love for me, the value that He assigns to me, and at His protective heart for me, fear isn't even an issue any more. I am able to be all He designed me to be and to go wherever He leads me to go without fear of 'what if?'

I am not now 'fearless'. I still battle with fear and have to make the choice to relish God's freedom through His perfect love for me. But I have to tell you, fear is a terrible roommate. 

Slowing Down

Our son is now 5 months old. It takes me by surprise, how fast that time has gone. Mind you, there have been moments that have felt like eternity, but overall, I cannot believe that he is growing up so fast. 

I am learning to slow down. Slow down my expectations. Slow down my heart and mind. That does not come easy to me. 

I am learning to enjoy just spending time with our boy. To put down my phone, laptop, etc. and to just lay with him and giggle. It's great fun to find his ticklish spots or to amuse him with funny faces. 

I have to keep reminding myself that raising a son is a worthy way to spend my life. My thoughts keep telling me that I am not doing enough, that my life should count for more, that I should be contributing to God's Kingdom and our community more productively.

I have to trust that God is pleased with my life and my heart. 

And besides, being a Mum is fantastic for character development! I have a lot more opportunities to practice patience when he is cranky, sacrifice when I am tired and don't feel like attending to him and love when I feel stretched with nothing left to give. 

I have a long way to go. 

Night Light for Parents

I am not the kind who enjoys devotionals. I mean, I can enjoy them for a day or two, a week at most, but then the rigidity of having to read them day after day gets to me and I just let it drop...

There are seasons in my life, however, when devotionals have been really helpful. I am in that season now. 

I subscribed to 'Night Lights for Parents', an online devotional by Dr. James Dobson which is delivered daily to my inbox. It's available through www.biblegateway.com

Today's message by John William Smith really spoke to me. The context is that he is talking about a school cross country race. Here is an excerpt: 

As the class 5A girls’ race came to a close, I watched a forty-plus-year-old mother—who was wearing patent leather shoes and a skirt and carrying a purse—run the last hundred yards beside her daughter. She saw no other runners. As she ran awkwardly—her long dark hair coming undone and streaming out behind her, giving no thought to the spectacle she made—she cried, “Run, Tami, run!—Run, Tami, run!” There were hundreds of people crowding in, shouting and screaming, but this mother was determined to be heard. “Run, Tami, run—Run, Tami, run,” she pleaded. The girl had no chance to win, and the voice of her mother, whose heart was bursting with exertion and emotion, was not urging her to win.

She was urging her to finish.

The girl was in trouble. Her muscles were cramping; her breath came in ragged gasps; her stride was broken, faltering; she was in the last stages of weariness—just before collapse. But when she heard her mother’s voice, a marvelous transformation took place. She straightened; she found her balance, her bearing, her rhythm; and she finished. She crossed the finish line, turned, and collapsed into the arms of her mother.

They fell down together on the grass and cried, and then they laughed. They were having the best time together, like there was no one else in the world but them. God, I thought, that is so beautiful. Thank You for letting me see that.

Yes, this is encouraging as a new parent. It is a picture of the kind of parent that I wish to be. 

But more so, the message that hit my heart was of God's Father heart for me. I could hear Him whisper in my ear, run, Jasmin, run. 

Being a Mum isn't a walk in the park. There are major rewards, but also incredible challenges and deep stretching. 

Knowing that my Father is there, not requesting perfection, but encouraging me to finish well and do my best job... That is wealth. 

Things To Do Before You Have A Baby

I was super organised when I was pregnant with our son. I thought through all the things I would need, got everything way ahead of time, had all his clothes washed and ready to wear, his toys cleaned, I thought through the kinds of toys I wanted him to have even... 

But now that I have a 4 month old, there are a few things that I wished I had done beforehand:

• totally, utterly and completely sort out of house

I sorted out a LOT of our home before our son was born, but I wish that I had put our home in total order. For example, I want to buy storage containers to keep under our bed as extra storage space. Now, it is quite difficult to carry them home along with our son.

• start my business and build my stock

I started my business after he was born and now it is not easy to have the time to make things to sell. Plus I am working on building the framework of the business at the same time. It would be helpful if everything was already set up, the postage process refined, store policies written so that I could just focus on making and posting as I can.

• go on a very good holiday

My husband and I went on a trip to Australia when I was 5 months pregnant, but that was a trip to visit family and run errands. I would have liked to have taken a holiday nearby closer to the delivery date. I would go somewhere very relaxing with minimal interruptions and lots of fun things to do. Snuggling time would be compulsory because my husband and I barely get any any alone time these days. Not that we are complaining at all, but we should definitely have 'topped up' on this while we could have.

• have a manicure and pedicure right before the due date

I managed to paint my nails two days before our son was born (which is a miracle in itself with a 9-month pregnant belly!) however I would definitely get a professional one done as close as possible to the time before having a baby again.

Validation

As a 'full time missionary,' a question I have been wrestling with is, am I still a missionary now that I am not doing any ministry? 

Sure, I understand that raising a child is a valuable and worthy way to spend my time, but am I still a 'missionary' or have I switched over to be a 'full time mum'?

The human side of me still wants to know my title, to know my role, even if only for myself. 

Last week I had a conversation with a young member of our community, a girl reaching the edges of young womanhood. It felt good to speak truth into someone's life again, to have a small taste of discipling someone after a long absence. 

As I was thinking over the conversation later, I was slowly aware of my internal dialogue. I thought to myself, 'maybe I can now spend time intentionally with her, speaking into her life'. 

I realized that I was validating myself, and my position in the community, based on the fact that I was now 'ministering' again to someone. The desire to disciple was good, but the motivation behind it was not. 

It is never ok to use ministry or discipleship in order to validate my own existence or even just my position. Discipleship that is effective must come out of a genuine selflessness. It must be a desire to see someone else grow up and grow into a deeper relationship with God. 

But my thoughts were all about me. I felt good because I was speaking into someone's life, and I now had value. 

God, forgive me for my self focus. Forgive me for selfishly using the gifts you have given me to build myself up and not your Kingdom. 

Shiloh Handmade

Hello Friends,

I am so excited to make a little announcement!

After years of dreaming, talking and not acting, I've decided to try my hand at a small business. I'm taking it very slowly, building as I can, but you are very welcome to join me for the ride!

Go to: www.shilohhandmade.com for more information!

This blog will be continuing as my private life blog :)

Coffee With Coconut Milk

My dear son reacts to dairy that goes through my breast milk to him. This isn’t really surprising, as I was allergic to dairy until I was approximately 6-years-old. Besides, personally I do not think diary is particularly healthy. As one of my older friends says, ‘cows’ milk is fantastic... for baby cows.’

Dairy is, however, my weakness. I can go on all sorts of diets and be fairly happy with a relatively small adjustment to my life... but dairy is my ‘thing’ and giving it up isn’t easy.

Well, it has been a week now and surprisingly, I am doing well. Apparently, dairy can take up to 2 weeks to get totally out of my system and amazingly, can take up to 4 weeks to flush out of a baby’s system. But already we are seeing a marked difference in our son. He was getting very painful gas and stomach aches, and gripe water was only slightly helping him. 

Apparently, it is not a reaction to lactose, but rather to the proteins present in the milk, and the same protein is present in soy milk, which means that is not an alternative solution.

Therefore, I have been sipping at tea and coffee with either coconut milk or almond milk (which tastes quite like soy anyway but a lot more watery). 

Honestly, I hated the first 2 - 3 cups. I am not a huge coconut fan at the best of times... coconut flavour coffee was really not something I was/am into. 

So why is it that I was willing to give up something that I love?

Yes, it did make our son quieter. Which was nice. But not the reason.

But it is because I love him. I want the best for him. It hurts me to see him hurting. He is precious and more valuable than any nice meal or soothing cup of coffee could ever be.

All this is not to say, ‘I am a great mother, look at me!’ No, more to the point, I am amazed at the kind of love that has crept avalanched into my heart for this little, teeny, tiny but noisy person. I don’t think this love is ‘natural’ or just instinct. I believe that love like this can only come from God, the originator and creator of love.

Only God could design a mother’s heart to respond to this little wee person in such a way. It is a gift from him, that enables us to survive, and even thrive through the difficult task of being a new parent. 

Review: Top 10 Baby Products

We have a lot of friend who are expecting babies and now that we have a 10 week old, they often ask us what products we recommend. Rather than reply everyone individually, I thought to write here instead.

Here are my top 10 baby products that I'd recommend.

Manduca Baby Carrier - New Style

We did a lot of research before deciding on the Manduca Carrier. Firstly, we wanted a carrier that was breathable for this tropical climate in Singapore. We also wanted a carrier that would go from newborn to 3-years-old without needing additional parts. Finally, we wanted one that had full support, not a ‘crotch dangler’, where the strain localised to the crotch area. The only one we found that met all three criteria was the Manduca. Ergo, our second choice, lost because an infant insert (adding extra heat) was required for newborns. So far, we are loving it! One evening, our son was really upset and he only calmed down and eventually went to sleep, when I put him in the Manduca. He is still very young, so time will tell how it is as he grows, but so far we are definitely fans!

SG$249.90 (We bought ours online from Moo Moo Kow Singapore; they have free shipping)

http://www.moomookow.com/index.php?main_page=index&cPath=36_90_91

Moo Moo Kow Cloth Diapers 
We weren’t sure if we were going to do disposable or cloth diapering and in the end, we’ve settled on a mix of both. We bought a dozen prefolds (these are the most basic in modern cloth diapers. They are 100% cotton cloth squares, pre folded to size, requiring minimal additional folding.) These are good, but require a cover as they are not waterproof. So we decided to purchase some all-in-one cloth diapers (these look like disposable diapers in shape, closing with velcro or snaps and have an absorbent liner inside). In order to save money, we purchased no brand name all-in-ones, which are quite good, but because they have snap closures, they are only able to adjust in size in increments. We were given a more expensive cloth diaper (Moo Moo Kow Brand - Aplix style) which has a velcro seal. First of all, the velcro makes it size adjustable to the exact required size. Secondly, the quality of the fabric is a lot better than the cheaper models. 

After discovering how great these are, I saw on their website that they also sell imperfect diapers (factory seconds). These are in perfect working order functionally, but have some small imperfections (perhaps crooked stitching on one seam, etc.) and are $10 cheaper. Each diaper comes with two inserts. When these arrived, I could see absolutely no difference between these and the standard price piece.

In addition to having great products, this company has fantastic customer service, going out of their way to connect with their customers, to advise and assist them in any way possible.

Aplix Diaper - SG$30.00 each

http://www.moomookow.com/index.php?main_page=index&cPath=41

Imperfect Diaper - SG$20.00 each

http://www.moomookow.com/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=39&products_id=188

Huggies Disposable Diapers

We were given a lot of diapers when our son was born and they’ve been such a blessing. As they are all different brands, we’ve been able to try them all and discover our favourite. Hands down, Huggies wins! They are soft to the touch and very absorbent without feeling like scratchy plastic. We’ve not had any blow outs or leaks while using these and we also haven’t seen diaper rash with them. We use disposables at night and when we are going out.

The Newborn and Small sizes both work out to be around SG$0.29/piece.

**UPDATE** 
While we still find Huggies a great brand and the best that is available in supermarkets, we have since discovered the Japanese brand Moony. This disposable diaper is super soft (almost feels like cloth) and very absorbent. These diapers work out to be $0.40/piece which is cheaper than Huggies from size medium and up. Moony tape diapers cost the same regardless of the size, whereas Huggies prices increase per piece as the size gets bigger. 
In Singapore at least, Moony diapers are only available online. We purchase ours from Tiny Tree which has free delivery for orders over $50 so we order two packets at a time to take advantage of this offer.

Tiny Tree
www.tinytree.com.sg

Paw Paw Ointment

We swear by this great product which has been used in our family since my Grandmother’s time. I introduced this to my husband when we were dating. He was greatly amused that I pulled it out for anything from chapped lips to insect bites, even using it as a cuticle cream... He jokingly says that it probably also cures cancer! We use it as a diaper rash cream and also when our son had baby acne the first couple of weeks. It is natural and safe. We bought ours in Australia but there are alternative brands with basically the same ingredients here in Singapore available at Watsons or Guardian, although at a much higher price. 

For more information: 

http://www.lucaspapaw.com.au/index.php

Cotton On Kids Bunny Wrap

Swaddling is great for a lot of babies and helps to settle them and to help them sleep better and longer. My son is a master escape artist and always manages to wiggle his arms and legs free no matter how securely we wrap him. Cotton On Bunny Wraps are fantastic for keeping him swaddled. The stretch fabric is very soft and cosy, but it also helps to contain him while giving him the ability to stretch and move. We were given one as a gift and have since purchased more. They come in a variety of colours and patterns, ranging from traditional baby styles to funky modern prints. There are two styles, one with a single layer of fabric, the other is double. The double swaddles better but the single is cooler for hot climates. We have some in both styles.

One Size Fits All, SG$14.94 (single layer)

SG$24.95 (double layer which I think can only be purchased in store)

http://asia.cottonon.com/shop/product/baby-bunny-wrap-cloud-marle/stars/

Coconut Oil

Coconut Oil is a fabulous product to have in the home for so many different purposes. We use it as a massage oil for our son, and also to treat his cradle cap. We massage it into his scalp, let it sit for a while and then gently brush his head with a baby brush. His scalp cleared up so fast! When we massage his body with coconut oil, his skin becomes so soft and he smells delicious! There are many brands with a huge price range, but the most important thing is that it is 100% coconut oil, and that no chemicals, etc. have been added. 

California Baby Shampoo and Wash

We only want to use natural and gentle products on our son’s tender skin and so we decided to use the California Baby Wash for his hair and body wash. We use a very small amount on a very soft cloth and then gently lather all over his body (minus his face, which we wash separately with just warm water and cotton balls). He comes out smelling clean and fresh without it being overpowering. A little goes a long way with this wash too, so even though it’s not cheap, it lasts a long time.

We purchased ours in Singapore at Watsons for SG$28.

For more information:

www.californiababy.com

**UPDATE**
We have since discovered a Baby Wash that we like even better! It is by Four Cows Farm and is available at many locations in Singapore, though we usually buy ours at Mothercare. We find it to be even more gentle on the skin, very subtly fragranced and moisturizing. We noticed that California Baby was a little bit too drying on the skin with prolonged use.

Available at Mothercare for $11.90 for 125mL and $18.90 for 250mL
http://www.mothercare.com.sg/productdetail.asp?pid=1096647

Mittens

This is a product that really depends on your baby! I have friends who’s babies don’t scratch themselves, but our little boy does! Even though we stay on top of his growing nails, trimming them regularly, he still manages to scratch his face if we are not careful. We like the ones with a wider section at the wrist because they tend to stay secure for longer. Of course, we don’t like to leave them on 24/7 so that he is able to freely flex and stretch his hands, but we find these most helpful at night and when we go out.

Favourite Brand: Dymples

Newborn Onesies

At least 7 - 8. I was told before our son was born to not bother buying newborn clothes because first of all, a lot of people will give them and secondly, babies grow out of them so fast. In our case however, not one person gave us newborn clothing and it is only now, at 10 weeks, that he has outgrown only one of the newborn suits. Our son is long and skinny, which means that enclosed toe suits are not so practical. It is better for us to not use enclosed toe but to put socks on him instead. We had bought only 4 - 5 onesies before our son was born, because of the above advise, but as we use cloth diapers, we had a few blow outs. Also, they would start to smell of milk after a day of wearing. With fewer changes of clothing, we needed to wash more frequently, which is not always easy when living in a community with shared laundry facilities. They don’t need to be fancy. We now have 2 ‘good’ ones for church or going out and then 6 simple ones for daily wear. For us, it’s important to have natural fibres, especially living in tropical Singapore, so all his suits are 100% cotton.

Favourite Brands: Cotton On Baby, H&M, Bonds, Carters

Muslin Cloths

At least 10. We use them for burping and occasionally as a nursing cover. They can also be used as a liner for cloth diapers or as a regular nappy in an emergency. We were surprised at how fast we go through these. As our son has had some wind problems which resulted in him bring back up a lot of milk. Also, at six weeks he’s just started to dribble. Whenever we go out, I make sure we have at least two of these in the diaper bag. I also put one under his head during naps in case he dribbles. These have also come in handy as sun protection for our son when we are outside. Most of our muslin cloths are simple white in colour and again, we favour natural fibres. 

Favourite Brands: Ikea, Mothercare

Forgiving Myself...

I have been a mother now for 23 days...

And already I am on learning overdrive.

Most of the time, I totally love it and ALL of the time I am completely in love with my son. He rocks my world. 

But there have already been moments where my my head felt like it entered a different dimension. I was there but not really there. It’s amazing what sleep depravation can do to a person. 

Sometimes I just cried. Sometimes I felt angry. 

And after a while, I started to feel guilty.

How could I be ‘losing it’ so soon into the game? Why didn’t I have it together like the other mums I looked at or who’s blogs I read online? 

Motherhood is nothing like the Hallmark card or Hollywood version that I have been sold. And I am only 3 weeks into the journey...

One night, about a week ago, when, at 3am, I had ended up so frustrated and tired, I felt God speak to me.

‘The sooner you realise that you will never be the perfect mother, the better it will be.’

I suddenly remembered my pre-motherhood ideals where I already knew that I would never get it totally right. I could hear my own voice, ‘as long as we are quick to apologise to our kids, we’ll be ok.’

I needed to forgive myself for not being perfect - for not being the serene and calm mother that I would love my son to have. Yes, that would be fantastic for him if I was, but it also wouldn't be the real me.

I also remembered something God had spoken to me previously.

‘Be a mother of compassion for your kids.’

My son cannot speak. He cannot tell me why he is upset. And even if I do everything that I can think of to ‘fix’ him, I may not be doing the ‘right’ things to settle him. That’s neither his fault, nor mine. But choosing to have compassion towards him moves me from a place of annoyance or irritation, to a place of love and empathy. 

Being a mum isn’t easy, but I am learning so much and enjoying the journey. I thank God for his grace to me, and I am learning to extend that grace to myself...

My Son

I am sitting here with my 2 week, 5 day old son in my arms and feeling so incredibly blessed. My boy is fantastic. And there are no words to adequately describe the feeling of becoming a mother.

Getting him here was quite a task! I had a 17.5 hour labour without using any pain killers besides nitrous oxide for a period in the middle (and I thank God for it!). My son came on May 17 at 4:03pm and my life changed forever.

That moment when he came out and I saw him, and realised that I am now a mummy to a life. Looking at him and being amazed at how white he is. I was so certain he’d take after his Indian father more and be a lot more tanned. Listening to him cry out for the first time. Having him lay on my chest... such a precious moment.

Before having him, I had been told so many horror stories about labour, which honestly did me no good and only instilled in me a spirit of fear. (Why do Christians do that to others? I really don’t understand how that is godly.) But there is nothing that anyone could say that could prepare me for it.

It was painful, yes. And long. But... amazingly, it was doable.

We had purchased the book, ‘Supernatural Childbirth’ by Jackie Mize and had been praying and believing for pain-free pregnancy and labour and unfortunately didn’t get either. That isn’t to say that I no longer believe it is possible. I genuinely do and when we have another child, I will again pray and believe for it.

Never-the-less, I learnt a lot through the pain that I experienced.

The other thing that everyone said to me was, besides it being so painful that you wish you would die, that you forget the pain the moment you see your child. At least for me, that was so not the case. I remember every little moment of it. 

For me, it was more about value. My son is of such high value to me, that the cost of what I paid to get him is of far less consequence. He is precious. And I would go through it all again just to have him.

The second thing I learnt was about God. I understand at such a deeper level now, how much it cost him to send Jesus to earth, to go through all that he did, and then to die. My protective feelings over my son are strong. If anyone was to lay a hand on him to harm him, I would tear them apart without a second thought. There is a tigress awakened inside of me over my son. Woe to the one who tries to hurt him.

If I have such feelings for my boy, then God’s must be infinitely greater, because his capacity to love is infinitely greater than mine. And yet... he still let go. And allowed his heart to break.

My gratefulness to God is more abundant now. Because I have glimpsed the price he paid for me. For us.

FAQ

Having been bombarded by anxious and excited uncles and aunties asking tons of questions about our coming baby, I thought it would be fun to answer a few of them here for all to enjoy the answers!


Q. When is baby coming?
A. I don't know. I don't know how to predict such things. We have had many 'prophesies' and predictions giving this or that date... all of which have come and gone. The longer my baby is 'cooking' the better looking and more intelligent he or she will be... That's my theory anyway, and I am sticking to it!

Q. (Upon receiving a text message from me) Are you in labour now??
A. No. If I was in labour, I would not be texting you or anyone else. 

Q. (If you see Joel alone) Where is Jasmin? Is she in labour?
A. No. If you see Joel alone, you can be sure I am not in labour because he will definitely be in there too! 

Q. Can you please let me know when baby is born?
A. Unfortunately not. There is no way to individually text every single person who has asked me to and because of that, I have not promised anyone that I will. I am VERY sure you will hear about it very soon after the event because Facebook has taken over our lives... It is not that we don't want you to know. We just know that it will not be our primary focus at the time and we don't want to promise anything that we cannot fulfill. Sorry! We still love you...

Q. Is it a boy or a girl?
A. Yes. Baby is either a boy or a girl. As we ourselves do not know (and yes, we really don't know) we are unable to tell you. However, we take great pleasure in having people confidently tell us that our baby is 'definitely' one or the other, so feel free to do so for our amusement.

Q. Are we ready? Do we have everything we need?
A. Amazingly, I think so! We have been ridiculously blessed by SO MANY people! We cannot even begin to list the people who have so thoughtfully given us the most useful and practical gifts. It has been such a testimony to us of the blessings of community and the faithfulness of our Father God to provide through such wonderful friends.

Q. Will I be practicing confinement?
A. No, not in an Asian sense. In my culture, we do take time to rest after giving birth, and I will most assuredly be listening to my body, seeing what I need to do to be healed, but I will not be following any specific rules. Just eating healthy and resting as much as I can! (And falling in love with my super cute baby)

Q. Will I have help after giving birth?
A. Yes! Thankfully, my Mum has come over and will be staying here for a few weeks after baby comes. With a background in nursing, she will be most helpful and supportive. Plus she is happy just to wash, clean and cook as required, which is the best kind of help...

One Year of Marriage

Today is our one year wedding anniversary! It has been such an incredible year and we are so blessed in so many ways! 
Here are some photos of our first year of marriage...

Pre-Wedding Photo Shoot

It was a most incredible experience, walking down the aisle,
all our friends shouting and my husband-to-be singing, 12 May 2012

Our Wedding

Husband and Wife!

On our Honeymoon, June 2012

Joel's Birthday Surprise! July 2012

And baby makes three! August 2012

Praying for Baby, October 2012

First time fishing! January 2013

School of Biblical Studies started February 2013

Himalayan Tea Latte, our SBS staple, March 2013

One year on, married life just gets better and better! May 2013

At The Cross

At The Cross
Hillsong United


Oh Lord, You've searched me
You know my way
Even when I fail You
I know You love me

Your holy presence
Surrounding me
In every season
I know You love me
I know You love me


At the cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Your Glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now?


You go before me
You shield my way
Your hand upholds me
I know You love me

Cross-Cultural Living

Photograph by Andrew Chew, Advocate Images

Today is our baby's due date...



I think that living cross-culturally is fun and exciting and not at all difficult... until it comes to major life events.

Last year, I was married in a country that was not my own, into a culture that is not mine. 

This year, I am having a baby, again in a culture that is not mine.

I have been struggling a bit with it emotionally, beyond the standard ‘pregnancy hormones’ excuse.

It has caused me to really spend time processing and talking with God about why it is all bothering me so very much.

I feel like this last week I have finally come to some place of understanding.

It has been difficult for me because the local context thinks in a way that is on a totally different plane to how I think, and therefore behave. The values are different. The practices and history are different. It is literally like speaking another language with no means of translation, and therefore, no way to comprehend where the other side is coming from.

But now, because this is MY baby, and because I want to do my absolute utmost to make the best choices, from my own knowledge and thinking, that will benefit my baby, there is a much stronger emotion attached to circumstances than there normally would be. The cultural differences that before I could laugh off, find amusing or just ignore are now trying to speak into something that is incredibly important to me. Motherhood is a role I take very seriously. There is nothing casual about my understanding of God’s mandate on me to do this.

But I have been torn. Because in spite of the many, varied and often unwanted and unsought for advice, instructions, ‘commands’ and invasions on my understanding of my own personal space and privacy, I really do see that the ‘other side’ is reacting out of excitement. They are showing their joy the only way they know how. Because for them, their behaviour is normal.

And I want my baby to be loved, wanted and accepted by the various communities that we are a part of. I genuinely want people to have the freedom to celebrate this amazing new gift to us as a family, and to them as our friends and extended family, etc.

So where am I to stand? How can I walk the line between being in one culture, but also recognising my own, and allowing myself the space to enjoy this part of my life journey also. 

I recognise that I definitely take people’s words and actions too much to heart. 

My desire is to learn through this experience, how to let God’s peace rule and reign in my heart, regardless of what may happen around me or to me. That is what is missing in my experience. 

And from that peace, I want to learn to respond in love better. That my words may be gracious and understanding, and not snappy and irritable.

Oh God, work in my heart and change me to be more like you!

One of Those Days

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Today has just been one of those days.

With less than three weeks to go, my hormones are raging and, with sleep is not coming easy, I am very tired. And my baby is not even here yet!

And I am totally amazed at some of my friends who have already had kids and managed to be nice and sweet and patient with people the whole time they were pregnant. Seriously... HOW did they do it? I feel like giving people a high five in the face... 

I feel so ugly for thinking and feeling that way. 

My husband and I are studying at Bible School this year and we are currently focusing on the book of 1 Corinthians. Today, the only thing that came to mind as I was fighting with myself to not give in to my emotions was 1 Corinthians 13 - the love chapter.

There is no point to me doing this study at all, if it is for academic knowledge, or for the certificate. It must be practical and applicable to my life. The Word of God must change me, renew my mind, help me to reflect God more - or else I am wasting my time.

And so, I sat down to let this word wash over me. 

And the truth came to set me free. My emotions are real. Hormones aren't imaginary. This is a physical reality in my body right now. But I still have a choice. Will I give in and let myself rage? Or will I allow the Holy Spirit to flow in me? 

Raging doesn't even help myself. After giving in, I don't feel any better. In fact, giving in makes me feel worse - let alone others.

But love. God's love for me. And his love through me, allowing me to respond in grace to my husband. Or whoever. This is healing for others and for myself.

And this is the truth of God, working in me practically. Am I 'fixed'? No... not really. But I am softened. And empowered to press on into him. 

1 Corinthians 13
1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.