One of Those Days

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Today has just been one of those days.

With less than three weeks to go, my hormones are raging and, with sleep is not coming easy, I am very tired. And my baby is not even here yet!

And I am totally amazed at some of my friends who have already had kids and managed to be nice and sweet and patient with people the whole time they were pregnant. Seriously... HOW did they do it? I feel like giving people a high five in the face... 

I feel so ugly for thinking and feeling that way. 

My husband and I are studying at Bible School this year and we are currently focusing on the book of 1 Corinthians. Today, the only thing that came to mind as I was fighting with myself to not give in to my emotions was 1 Corinthians 13 - the love chapter.

There is no point to me doing this study at all, if it is for academic knowledge, or for the certificate. It must be practical and applicable to my life. The Word of God must change me, renew my mind, help me to reflect God more - or else I am wasting my time.

And so, I sat down to let this word wash over me. 

And the truth came to set me free. My emotions are real. Hormones aren't imaginary. This is a physical reality in my body right now. But I still have a choice. Will I give in and let myself rage? Or will I allow the Holy Spirit to flow in me? 

Raging doesn't even help myself. After giving in, I don't feel any better. In fact, giving in makes me feel worse - let alone others.

But love. God's love for me. And his love through me, allowing me to respond in grace to my husband. Or whoever. This is healing for others and for myself.

And this is the truth of God, working in me practically. Am I 'fixed'? No... not really. But I am softened. And empowered to press on into him. 

1 Corinthians 13
1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Sharing On A Whole New Level

Baby Justin

I am now 8 months pregnant and this baby is really taking over!

I have a very great need for personal space, which is one of the major adjustments I faced in getting married 11 months ago. It wasn’t my husband’s company that I struggled with - no! I loved (and still love) spending time with him and have never had even a moment’s thought towards being tired of him.

His things on the other hand... that was my struggle. Having to share my space. Having to make room for his stuff. I was down right cranky for a few days when he moved in. Poor fellow.

But I adjusted and moved on. It is no longer an issue.

This baby is really encroaching on my personal space now. Physically, it is heavy. But more than that, being a very active child, most of the day and a lot of the night I can feel the squirms, kicks, hiccups, etc... At first it was cute... but now... a little tiring.

Not that I don’t totally adore and love my baby. I really do! 

As I was thinking about all of this, I realised that it is the grace of God that he gives mother’s nine months of pregnancy. 

The first stage was to mentally prepare. To wrap my head around the concept that a new life, a person, with a character and being separate from either of us was joining our family permanently. 

Then, there was the practical stage. Getting everything ready. The bed. Clothing. Pram. 

But now, increasingly so, it is about physically preparing. This baby is COMING. And as baby is growing, my belly is expanding, and it is a very visual reminder of the total ‘invasion’ that will soon be here.

As I process all of this, I am reminded of God. He is absolutely huge. Really. really. BIG. And yet he makes room for us. For me. God didn’t need to create humans. He chose to. In the massive expanse of himself, he made space for people. And then, even more amazing, he gave them all different characters. And choice. And the ability to both love and hurt. 

And then those people whom he loving created room in himself for... betrayed him. Totally heartbreaking.

I can only imagine what it will feel like the first time my child lies to me. Or steals something. Or says something nasty to me. How painful that must be. 

But God, who knows everything, willingly still chose us.

This is profoundly incredible. 

Now I am learning from him. Learning to share my personal space. Learning to give my heart willingly to someone else, knowing that one day at some point, they will hurt me.

Only God can teach love like this.

SBS

Studying the book of Galatians

SBS. The School of Biblical Studies.

We are four days in and finished studying our first book, Galatians. 

During the week, I've had moments of feeling very overwhelmed. The amount of study time required for this type of Bible study is immense and as I look forward to the fact that in around 10 weeks time, I will be having a baby... Wow! I wonder what on earth I was thinking in taking this on!

But yesterday, I had a moment of revelation.

Even if I were to spend double the money to do this course, even if I managed to do none of the homework and failed completely in terms of grades... even then, if I came to a deeper understanding of who God is, His nature and character and ways... it would have been worth it.

In life, there are things that I attribute value to. They are the things I am happy to spend my time and money on. For example, visiting my Nanna. I will scrimp and save as much as I can to ensure that I get to see her at least once a year. Because my relationship with her has value to me. Another example would be my husband, Joel. We live as frugally as we can because we do not take for granted the blessing of being supported in full time ministry. But I am happy to 'splurge' on him and buy him little treats now and then to communicate that I love him and I love to bless him.

On a side note, it is interesting to compare what my understanding of 'splurging' is now as opposed to when I was working and earning a salary. I'm talking a difference in figures that have two zeros after it.

But taking time out and paying good money to study the Bible... God's Word... what is the value in that? Can't I just do that for free in my own home in my spare time?

Well, yes... I could. But I know that taking out this time, investing my resources into discovering God, that is priceless. And that this precious time will be so integral in my future as a woman, wife and mother and in my ministry.

So that is my desire for the coming 9 months (the length of the full course). I want God. More of Him. Deeper revelations. And not for the sake of perfection or making the grade, but because my life depends on it.




Incidentally, today is the one year anniversary of our ROM (legal marriage). Not that we celebrate it, but I am still so thankful to God for His faithfulness to us over that period.

Twenty Thirteen

A new year. I'm amazed at where time is running away to. I am 22 weeks today into this pregnancy and I think that if things stay the same, our wee one will be here before I can blink twice. Incredible.

New Year always seems to inspire resolutions, however I am hesitant to make any. I am not quite sure why.

At the end of 2012, as I do every year, I was praying to God and asking Him for a word or theme for the coming year. 

The word I received was: faith

I feel that God is saying that this will be a year where He will deepen my understanding of what faith is.

This will be the most expensive year that we've ever faced. Even more than our wedding last year. With both of us going back to being full-time students in the School of Biblical Studies (SBS), and having a baby, and also planning an extended trip home at the end of the year (our baby will be six months old then and we want to spend time with my different pockets of family so they can know him/her.)

In YWAM, we throw around the phrase, 'living by faith'. Like it is a currency.

In the past 6 years, where I have been 'living by faith', my faith has been stretched. But this year, the stretching will increase.

I need faith to trust God for the school fees.

Faith for the finances to have this baby in Singapore, where I am a foreigner.

Faith to raise this baby as God desires us to.

I'm looking forward to the lessons...

So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ.

Romans 10:17