I am leading a local (Singapore) outreach team for the DTS that I am staffing at the moment. It has been a major learning curve for me. I am halfway through the tens days, but here are some lessons I have been learning so far:
1. Lose Control
When I try to control the program, the outcomes, the attitudes, etc in my team that is when I get utterly frustrated and pent up. I cannot control every circumstance or incident. I need to 'let go' and trust God that the things that need to be done will be done.
2. Let Life Be Messy
Life is not neatly packaged and to expect it to be so is unrealistic.
3. Value the Relationships
When I look back over these five days, the moments when I was most energized and 'alive' are the times I stopped and chatted with the students one on one, when I stole a moment to truly connect without any agenda. When I put task over relationships, I was disappointed and my expectations were not met. When ‘relationship’ is the ‘task’, then every moment where I focus on the relationship accomplishes the ‘task’.
4. Success Belongs to God Alone
In the end, the success or failure of this team is not in my hands. As long as I honestly do the absolute best that I know how to do, then that is 'success' to God. God does not ask for better than my best.
Since coming to that place this afternoon, I feel so much more peaceful and at ease with myself, with the team and with God.
Following on from the desire growing inside me to seek God’s face first of all, comes the question, what will it cost? What will it cost to seek God’s face FIRST? What will I have to choose to do, or not do, or think, or say, or desire, in order to seek his face?
There are some things that I don’t actually want to give up. Some heart attitudes, for example. It is more comfortable to pretend that I am perfect, that I don’t need a spring clean in my heart. Unfortunately it is not true.
So I must weigh up… these ‘things’ and the comfort of not admitting that maybe I am not as wonderful as I would like to think I am OR seeking God’s face first and foremost.
I am reading 1 John at the moment. It is a great book! I recommend you check it out. A few of verses really hit me:
‘Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and the pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.’ 1 John 2:15 – 17 ESV
The attitudes in my heart that I want to stay comfortable in are part of the ‘things of this world’ and these things are ‘passing away’.
I am amazing that it has been a full 10 years since we moved into the new millennium. The past decade has been full of struggles and pain, but the goodness of God and his handprints on my life are now clearly visible as I look back over this time.
In the past decade, I've seen dramatic changes in my life. In 2000, I celebrated my 16th birthday and started a journey that ultimately bought me to my lowest point. After losing faith in religion, losing myself in a relationship and living through a broken family, I came to crisis point on October 5, 2005 and in that moment, Daddy God was there. It turns out he had been waiting to meet me for a long time.
The past 5 years have been about me discovering what a Dad actually is and what it means to have a Father-Daughter relationship. I have never known what it is to have a healthy relationship with a Father and, as he promises in Psalm 68:5 that he is a Father to the Fatherless, he truly stepped in and became my Daddy. It is difficult to completely explain, but he did the things that a Father does, provided for me, listened to me, comforted me, and above all, gave me my identity, even though I have still not completely grasped it and still struggle to completely believe it. He also sent godly men into my life to show me that not all men are like the ones I have experienced.
First, he brought John and Mary-lou Palm, an American couple who became like grandparents to me for a period of time before coming to Singapore. After this, he gave me Roy Christian, my Discipleship Training School Leader. Roy was and still is an amazing example of a Father to me. He loves me, disciplines me, listens to me and gives great advice, sometimes with a slap, but always with love.
Then, I began dating JJ... What a gift he has been to me! JJ is steady where I am flighty, humble where I am proud, loving always, committed continually and has restored in me a belief that men can be faithful and true to one person. JJ has shown me a picture of God that loves me regardless of what I say and do. Sure, we fight, but he has loved me well.
God also bought Steve Loh and his lovely wife into my life. Steve is like a big brother to me, encouraging me, believing in me and giving me opportunities to grow and develop my character. Priscilla is always ready to listen and love me.
Most recently, Joe Chean has also been a wonderful addition to life. After getting over my initial fear of him (ha, ha!), I found him to be a very loving leader, a master discipler who genuinely is interested in seeing the people under him grown and develop into better leaders and lovers of God.
For all these men, I am truly grateful.
To Daddy God, words can never express how much I love you.
In 2010, I will be celebrating my 26th Birthday. In my heart, I have felt a desire stirring for some months. I want to see God’s face. Recently I was reading in Exodus how Moses saw God’s face. At that point, he had not done much to deserve it. It was not like he was superhuman and was therefore worthy to see God. But once he saw God’s face, he was never the same again.
I don’t really know what that means, to see God’s face. I don’t know if I will be fried or crushed or explode. But I cannot shake the desire, the fragile hope that maybe, just maybe, it is possible.
So in 2010, looking forward to this coming decade, I pray for a deeper understanding, a core ‘knowing’ of God that I’ve never had before, a greater love for people (something that I struggle with!!) and to see God’s face…
