The Age of Consent

We have always made it a point with our two sons to teach them about consent. They are not obligated to physically touch people, although they do need to be polite. In spite of this, they are almost constantly forcefully touched by adults, even strangers. Well meaning adults expect children to return their physical acts of friendliness or affection simply because they are the adults. 

I have never agreed with this mindset. 

When my boys are saying goodbye to anyone, even family or friends, I ask them, "Would you like to give a hug or a high five?" The boys can say no to both if they prefer to not. Usually my eldest will opt for a high five and my youngest will give a hug. My eldest is naturally more reserved with physical affection, as I myself was when I was a child. 

Growing up, the concept of consent was not taught at all. My grandfather forced me (and other grandkids) to sit on the lap of family friends, many of whom we may have just met. 

Last year, 2018, was a year when I was deeply confronted with my upbringing, the lack of healthy boundaries and I had to learn anew how to make good choices for me and for my family. 

Our precious daughter is now over 2 weeks old. We had some extended family visit us today and of course, they wanted to hold her. She was not happy and obviously just wanted to be with Mummy. She was very fussy and then increasingly upset to the point of loud crying.  

It made me stop and think about what was really going on. At what age is a child 'allowed' to make choices about their own bodies? I do not believe in the idea that 'all babies cry' - implying that they cry for no particular reason. A crying baby is a communicating person. My daughter didn't want to be held by anyone at else at that time. Usually she is fine being carried by our visitors. 

It disturbs me that adults feel that they have the right to force their own wants onto children. How then will we teach our kids how to say no when they are being abused, if we have trained them from birth that they have no autonomy over their own bodies?  

I carried my daughter to the bedroom to feed her and she settled right down and soon went peacefully to sleep. 

Boys can be abused and they also need to be taught about consent. But somehow, having a daughter now, and being a woman who has been abused myself, the lesson is so much more real and close to home. 

I have many parenting goals, but one of them is to teach all my kids to be respectful of other people's boundaries, but also to put in place healthy boundaries for themselves and their own bodies.   
   

The First of a Few Updates

It has been a long (long, long!) time since I posted anything here. I honestly didn't realise how long it had been. So much has happened and there are a lot of changes, both in terms of our lives and our hearts. 

Most of our friends should already know, but we are currently 37 days (who is counting though right?) away from moving from Singapore to Tasmania, Australia. 

I will be 6 weeks short of having lived in Singapore for 11 years. My husband has never lived overseas before and besides small trips to nearby and quite similar countries, my two sons have never been anywhere. Our eldest was in Australia when he was 18 months old and I was pregnant with our second, but he doesn't remember it at all. 

I have never been to Tasmania at all. It has been such a God-led journey getting us to this point. 

We first heard a word to go there in June 2018, just last year. Up until that point, I had no thoughts or considerations in that direction. It wasn't even on my radar. And yet piece by piece, every little thing has fallen into place. 

We will be moving to a 200 acre community farm. We will have our own home on the property, but will be involved with the other families every day in different ways. This is such a wonderful opportunity, especially for our kids...

Which brings me to our other important news. I am currently four days 'over due' to have our third baby. As I don't really put much belief in due dates exactly, and both my boys were more than a week 'late' we are just sitting tight and waiting for this little one to come when he or she is ready. We don't find out the gender so it will be a nice surprise to see if we have another son to add to the tribe or our first daughter. 

Pain

"Sometimes, our pain is very deep and real, and we stand before her very silent, because there is no language for our pain, only a moan. Night's heart is full of pity for us: she cannot ease our aching; she takes our hand in hers, and the little world grows very small and very far beneath us, and, borne on her dark wings, we pass for a moment into a mightier Presence than her own, and in the wondrous light of that great Presence, all human life lies like a book before us, and we know that Pain and Sorrow are but the angels of God.Only those who have worn the crown of suffering can look upon that wondrous light; and they, when they return, may not speak of it, or tell the mystery they know."

Three Men in a Boat by Jerome K. Jerome
Penguin Popular Classics, 1994
Pages 96-97

Tolerance

We were in church this morning, and a mother was sitting not far from us, holding a child who was about 6 months old. The child occasionally made some noise, not particularly loud, but every time the baby did so, all heads in our immediate area turned to stare, some, not all, with a bit of a head shake. After a few times, a young usher came to her and asked her to take the baby out.

I felt so irritated. Because when did we become so intolerant? "Give the woman a break!" I wanted to yell.

We live in such a morally permissive time. If it feels good, right, comfortable, then you should probably do it. And tolerance in the church is just as present as outside. We even go so far as to promote living in ways that are far from God's will and kingdom. Because, who are we to judge? Who are we to say that our interpretation of manuscript that has been translated time after time after time is truth? What is 'truth' anyway?

And yet, any small inconvenience to ourselves, like having to focus a little harder on the message and not allowing our minds to wander off when a small child makes a small sound, then we are quick to make a judgement. 

What is better? That a mum who may have had a tough week, who may need comfort from the Body, who may not have had much of a chance to sit down and read the Word - that she would have the chance to sit and hear and receive, even if that means her baby makes a little noise? Or should we ask her to leave, to sit outside the walls that protect us from discomfort? 

Is it better for her child to grow up being included in the congregation? Or to learn the modern take on 'children should be seen and not heard'? 

I am not saying that we should allow kids to run riot, to shout and scream and do whatever they want to while in church. The rule of love, of doing what is most loving for those around us, would necessitate teaching and discipleship of congregation kids on how to show respect, how to listen and learn about Jesus, how to be quiet so that others can also have the same opportunity to hear.

This dear mother was not causing any major disruption. She was working to keep her child quiet. But kids make noise. Small noises and large noises. And the inconvenience of that to others should not result in getting escorted out. 

Let us turn our tolerance in a better direction. Let's include whole families in the whole congregation and give parents the space, grace and chance to teach their kids how to love God and to love His kids within the corporate setting.